March 1st, 2013

Hey, Troy, what’s up with you, how’s your life been? You suck at keeping up a journal whether it’s online or written by the way. Yes, yes I do. Ah well, much has happened so let’s not waste time bickering. Seems like the past few days have been filled with musical adventures, so it’s been an exciting time. I’m involved in two different bands now, one an indie rock band called “Adara” which I play keyboard in and one unnamed band with a girl named Krystal which I play like whatever I want in. And it’s been good, Adara and I had our first practice last Wednesday and everyone in the band is pretty cool, it’s gonna be good for me to get out more and hang out with fun people so I can get my spunk back that I lost oh so long ago. As for this band with Krystal, I think we still have a chance of going somewhere with music, but more than that I’m glad to be making a new friend! She’s 8 years older than me but acts like a kid still, so it’s all good.
I’ve also still been doing a lot of that silly thinking of mine, mostly about death and what comes afterwards… if anything. It’s depressing to think that there’s not a God. I honestly don’t know how atheists can get by day to day knowing that one day they’ll literally be nothing. I think that’s a scary thought. I don’t truly believe it though, surely the subconscious part of us must live on even after our consciousness is gone, it just won’t be quite the same… no icecream, no sex, no smelling the roses… still, there must be something, right?
What else? Well, I never got sick. EVERYONE IS GETTING SICK. God, it’s annoying. It’s like what’s wrong with you people? I am literally the only person I know from around here who hasn’t picked up the flu at least a little bit it seems! I shouldn’t blame everyone else though, it’s not their fault they have weak immune systems… I’m just blessed I suppose, eh? Or maybe this flu thing is a conspiracy so no one can hang out with me this Saturday, ’cause apparently everyone is busy tomorrow… hmm… just like the moon landing. That was totally fake, I don’t care what you say. Absolute garbage.

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February 21st, 2013

Another good day… that’s two in a row! God, that must be like a new record or something… no, but seriously, it starts out with me learning that school is closed ’cause of the snow, so I get to stay in bed for a long time. And I got a lot done today, as far as getting my head together goes I mean. I think branching out a little bit has been helping me, especially this whole pursual of a new band.
Speaking of which, I met with this guy from a band called Adara, which is an indie/alternative band and I was actually pretty happy with the songs he showed me. Like, really happy actually. I’m stoked. I’m gonna have to get my game on and make sure these guys like me, ’cause I definitely wanna be in this band, it could actually go somewhere! And the best part is, I get to be the keyboard player if they let me in, which is what I love doing, so, double-stoked. We’re having our first practice on Sunday, so that’s the fateful day for me. I’m sure it’ll go well, I’m good at the piano and I’m good at coming up with stuff for the piano, so there’s no reason it should go badly.

This is such a foreign feeling to me, but… I feel pretty happy 🙂

February 20th, 2013

Today was a pretty swell day, I thought, not terribly exciting, but swell. I got an A on my Sociology test, got this wonderful piece of artwork from an old friend and even had a poem dedicated to me! What could be better? Well, besides not being so concerned with life and humanity all the time I mean? Ha, wouldn’t you know I’d have to be one of THOSE people. You know the ones I mean. The ones who are born philosophers even though they really don’t want to be philosophers at all because philosophy is such a depressing subject when it comes down to it. I was born to think. That much I can say for myself. I may still have a lot to learn about life and acceptance and forgiveness and God and all this, but I can damn well THINK it to death first.

Also, my music instructor… UGH.

I swear, I’ve never blanked so much when it comes to writing music. Normally it just kind of flows out of me, but you know what Mr. Smith wants? He wants experimental music. Because I’m in an advanced class and normal music is not advanced. I mean here I am composing these catchy little tunes with lots of interesting hooks and changes and he tells me it’s “Certainly competent” but not “abstract.” When the hell did music being abstract make it advanced?! I thought that just meant you couldn’t write a decent song to save your life so you relied on that label “abstract” to save your ass!

Anyway.

I’ll get over it and write something very abstract and share it with everyone when I’m done and you can be the judge of whether or not it sounds advanced to you. P.S. It’s going to sound like shite. Just sayin.

February 19th, 2013

Felt a little abnormally depressed today… I’m not sure exactly what it was, but I blame it on my thoughts of Sarah (both the one from “Me” and “The Darkness”). It’s strange, I’ve gone so long without thinking about them for quite some time now and suddenly it’s like I’m reliving the past all over again. More than just Sarah though, I feel lonely. Again, it’s been some time since I’ve really given excessive amounts of thought to my loneliness, but I feel it coming on more than usual. I appreciate any attempts at helping in this regard, as some of my friends have done, but it’s not friends that I need (and I don’t mean that to come out in a rude way), it’s a soul mate. I need someone who I can not only share my life stories with but who I can share my life with. Cookie told me I was only 20, that not even a quarter of my life had past, that there was still a lot of time left for such things to come to pass and that patience was key. I guess she’s right, but when you feel the way I do, it’s very hard to be patient. When the one thing you need is the one thing that seems furthest out of your reach, what do you do then? I’m considering just buying off a hooker and telling her all about my life while she has her way with me and then hoping I come across as pathetic enough that I get an “I’m sorry, that must be terrible.” That would make me feel better. But ah, who am I kidding? I would never stoop so low… patience and faith, Troy, patience and faith…

P.S. One song has been stuck in my head all day, and that’s “Strobe” by deadmau5. It just feels so powerful to me, like it describes my loneliness but then it evolves and it becomes hopeful and it sort of describes this life in the future that I could be living if only I could make it over this bump of depression. It’s just a fantastic piece of work and I recommend looking it up.

February 18th, 2013

Today began as Mondays typically do, with having to get up at the ungodly hour of 6:30 in order to make class. We had a test today which I did quite well on I think. I came home and basically just wanted to sleep at that point but a little adderall helped to fix that problem up. I started work on a piece I’m making for my computer music class, which happens to be tomorrow, I think it’s rather catchy, if not in my usual style of rock/metal. I’ve been getting into composing EDM music lately, very fun stuff! Anyway, I had a thought today. About God. I was a little upset with Him. Reason being, I’m here, on this planet. I was born. The implications of this are enormous! For one thing I’ve had to suffer through the insufferable and come out on the other side only to be shunned and ignored, for another thing I can’t seem to find much happiness in things that used to bring me pleasure, and for the last thing eventually I have to die. Ugh, life. Consciousness. Maybe death won’t be so bad, but it still scares the living daylights out of me.
I fell asleep in Statistics today… nothing new there… and then I came home and it’s basically been write music and talk to friends online since then.
Can’t wait to get out of here *Sigh* I have a good feeling that once I finally leave the house things will start looking up. But that day may not come for a while now…

February 17th, 2013

You know what’s weird? For some reason the date WordPress says I publish things is one day ahead of the actual date. It’s really hurting my OCD… ah well, I’ve had worse things to deal with.
So, today was a pretty good day I think. I didn’t get to meet with the this guy to talk about a band we’re starting, but we’ll be meeting Tuesday. Didn’t get the chance to start filming today, but the script is underway and we’ll start next weekend. What I did do was manage to keep myself in a good mood pretty much all day! It’s not like I did anything special like skydive or go to Disney World or anything, but I did some modeling and music as usual and was fairly productive because I just felt pretty good.
I also met a new friend today! She is on WordPress and her username is purpleperceptions, check out her poetry if you haven’t cause I think it’s pretty spiffy. We’ve really just met and it’s only online, but regardless I’m happy to have met someone fun and interesting who is already turning out to be a better friend than most of the people I meet throughout the week! So just a shout-out to her.
We talked for a while over FB, and then I had to do this duuuumb party thing for my sisters. Not that my sisters or their parties are dumb, but it was boring ’cause it was a family party and I can never pay attention to what they talk about. The nachos were excellent though :d
I then had a short catnap, reviewed the script that my fellow writer sent to me (and was pretty happy with it) and now I’m just waiting for the pizza to be done so I can eat it (obviously) and then study for my Sociology test tomorrow. Looking to be a not-so-terrible start to the week 🙂

February 16th, 2013

Today really wasn’t so bad actually. I started out unusually tired today and found myself dozing off at unusual times until about 11 in the morning. By that time I knew I needed to do something to wake myself up or else I was gonna be asleep when the peeps arrived for the film meeting. So I took a walk, wrote a song, and worked on a 3d model of a girl’s head that I’m doing (crossing my fingers it won’t turn out looking like a deformed Jessica Alba with measles again!)
We had the film meeting this afternoon after I’d fiddled with my friend Len’s microphone problem (it’s still not working) and the first thing I notice after the next person arrives is how darn pretty she is. And I don’t mean just in a physical way, I mean in an “emanating of niceness” way. She just seemed nice. Now I’m gonna stop myself right here and remind myself that EVERYONE I first meet seems nice until I realize they’re really not that nice at all, but as of today I’d say she still seems pretty nice. Very quiet, but we share a lot interests… The X-Files… The Legend of Zelda… religious views… she even agrees with me that girls are mean! So. But I’m pretty sure she must not be interested in me. Of course we only just met and I mean she IS shy… so who knows. I’m not getting my hopes up so that I don’t have to have them taken back down…
Oh yah, and we talked about the script at the film meeting… HA X)
Anyways, that meeting lasted quite a while… I’m currently trying to get stupid Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3’s online multiplayer to work. Very frustrating. Almost as frustrating as girls. Almost.

February 15th, 2013

I annoy myself sometimes with how unmotivated I can be. I mean, I could have done a billion things today but instead I spent most of my time moping because my stupid brain can’t pull itself together some days. I thought this medication stuff was supposed to help??
What I accomplished from 9 AM to 7PM (now): Wrote and recorded two rough drafts of songs, and let everyone know when we’re having our filming meeting tomorrow. That’s it. What did I do the rest of the time? Think. I am so tired of thinking, I’d much rather be a peppy-all-the-time flaming homosexual than think. Well, minus the homosexual part. Nothing against them, but I like women… for some reason…
Anyway, I really need to get some more friends or something, ’cause most of my friends seem content to just sit around watching online videos or playing video games… by themselves mind you. And as I’ve mentioned, most of the girls I know are just losers anyway. And even the ones who aren’t losers aren’t interested in me. I need something more to do. I’ve been looking around for a new band to play in, and I’ve been putting together this film studio obviously, but everyone seems so busy all the time. It’s crazy.
So, next on the agenda will beeee… probably thinking. Tomorrow should be better, I’ll have something to do to take my mind off of things, which is what my therapist wants too, so I guess that makes it all the more worthwhile. It’s just a bump in the road I keep telling myself. I get over it and it’ll be smooth driving from there on out. It’s a damn big bump though.

Singles Awareness Day

Heart

Today is Singles Awareness Day. It doesn’t really bother me too much actually, I haven’t had a girlfriend in all of… oh… 9 months now. It would be nice to have someone wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day besides my mother, but hey, you can’t go wishing too much ’cause 99% of the time you’re not going to get what you wish for.
Anyway, I was thankful to be able to sleep in today because my first class didn’t start until 12:15. After that I went to see my therapist and told him about how I’ve been doing, the thoughts I’ve been having, and this blog. He thought it was a good idea to have a blog because it would help me put down my thoughts and hopefully forget about them for a while. He’s actually right on that point.
The one thing that does bother me is there’s this girl I kind of like who goes to my school, but I know with absolute certainty that she doesn’t like me back. It’s sad, but what are you gonna do… I’m not sure why she doesn’t like me. I mean, no, I’m not exactly a looker or anything, but I’m a nice guy and while you may view me as totally depressed judging by this blog, I can be upbeat when I need to be. Plus, I mean, I do music and visual fx, I’m into the same kind of music and I love philosophy like she does! So I’ve concluded it’s my looks. Not really a shocker. Girls are all shallow (at least the ones I’ve known), and I will most definitely be writing a post on this tonight.
Well, anyway. At least we’re having a little Valentine’s party here at my house with the family in about an hour here. That’ll take my mind off things. Happy Singles Awareness Day all!

February 13th, 2013

Today was a bit of an off-day, as usual. I had to get up at an ungodly hour (in my opinion) in order to make class at 7:30. Basically slept through the whole thing. I started thinking about things the rest of the day, which is always bad… when I start thinking about things I never get anything done. I mostly thought about significance today. Specifically about how insignificant humans are in the scope of the universe. And yet, we are so incredibly complex at the same time. It’s mind-boggling.
I looked at my hands. I thought, “these are amazing hands. but what am I using them for?” I use them to play music, of course. To make visual FX on the computer, to type out a short story or two. And how much of the stuff I make is actually significant? Well, to me it’s very significant,  but not to others. I just can’t seem to find a way to get lots of people in on my work. And no one can truly appreciate an artist’s work as much as the artist him/herself.
So I took on a pretty melancholy mood the rest of the day. Some of it I spent staring outside wondering what in the world I was doing here, on earth, in a human body. Some of it I spent writing music. The rest of it is a bit of a blur now. I had icecream, that was really good… cookies and cream… mmm…
Anyway, today was a rather typical, uneventful day for me. Can’t wait for the weekend. That’s when I hang out with my friends and I can forget about trying to be philosophical for a few hours and just have fun in blissful ignorance. God, I envy people who can do that all the time…