Be Who You Want To Be

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“Be yourself” is outdated. It really is. It’s easy to get caught up in that whole “YOLO I don’t care what other people think cuz I’m MAHSELF homie!!” but at the end of the day, do we really think about what that means?

When you’re going through a tough time especially, like a breakup, it’s easy to make yourself feel better by saying “I’m just not going to care, I’m going to be myself and get over this.” I’ve done it, plenty of times. But “be yourself” is so vague, isn’t it? What does it actually mean? Who is “yourself” and why do you want to be him/her? Or here’s a better question: do you even want to be him/her at all?

Think about it! If you’re perfectly content to spend your life either watching TV, driving down to Pueblo to pick up your niece just ’cause it’s something to do and you’ve got no friends in the Springs, or eating, great. Good for you. The problem arises when you don’t manage to make any new friends, people don’t really want to hang out with you, and then you start blaming everyone else for not accepting you for who you are… which is BORING. That’s right… BORING. Is this really who you want to be? Do you truly not care what others think if you have to preach about it?

We’re human. We like to have other humans to socialize with and to interact with, ’cause let’s face it, as much as we like to hate on other people, people are the only thing in the world that could actually potentially care about what happens to us and that we can relate with. That said, no matter what we might think, we do care about others’ perceptions of us. So I have to ask again, do we really want to be ourselves? Or is what we really want to be the best person we can possibly be? Ah, now that sounds a lot more appealing, doesn’t it? I can guarantee Mr. Couch Potato would be a whole lot happier if he tried out some new things, got over his social anxiety (I have it too, so no excuses), and made an effort to strive for something he wants to do. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best at something. Passion is attractive, be passionate for God’s sake…

My point here is, don’t fall for all that “be yourself” crap. Don’t be yourself. Ever. We should always strive to be nicer, more productive, more caring, happier… better, however we may define that word for ourselves personally.

And if you can be Batman, please, by all means, be Batman.

Daughter

I saw a picture of my daughter, Eevee, several days ago. I didn’t have the presence of mind or the will power to write about that experience at the time, but it’s easy to remember how I felt. The first feeling really surprised me: happiness. I felt happy. There she was, smiling her big, beautiful smiling, just being pretty and wonderful. She’s only 2, but I kept thinking, irrationally that maybe she thought about me sometimes and I wondered what she might think.

Then I saw Sarah, holding her. And I felt something different: guilt. And sadness. She was smiling too, but I knew it couldn’t have been the same kind of smile. So many questions began to formulate in my head… What does she think every time she sees Eevee? Does she think about me? What will she say to Eevee about me when she grows up? How can I live with the thought that I did this to someone? Will she ever forgive me?

It hadn’t taken long to get over Eevee after Sarah and I broke up. In fact, I hardly thought of her at all, the only person I could think about was Sarah and how angry and confused I was. But now, 2 years later, Sarah’s become almost an after-thought. The first thing that comes to mind is Eevee, my daughter. I’ve denied her existence more times than I can count at this point. Partly because I hate myself. Partly because I don’t want to think about it. Mostly because admitting it has always just taken me to the brink of what I can handle emotionally.

Just last night I was thinking about how much like a dream that whole section of my life feels. I could almost truly believe it never happened at all if it weren’t for that picture, or for finding the occasional piece of Sarah I forgot to erase in some dark corner of the house or the internet. I want to be able to watch Eevee grow up. I want to experience it, but I know I can’t. I’m not ready emotionally, financially, psychologically… I’m just not ready yet. But I miss her. I miss her and I haven’t even gotten to really know her. And why shouldn’t I miss her? She’s my daughter, a piece of me walking (shakily) around and laughing and hopefully being curious and open-minded.

Hopefully going down a brighter path than my own…

 

February 21st, 2013

Another good day… that’s two in a row! God, that must be like a new record or something… no, but seriously, it starts out with me learning that school is closed ’cause of the snow, so I get to stay in bed for a long time. And I got a lot done today, as far as getting my head together goes I mean. I think branching out a little bit has been helping me, especially this whole pursual of a new band.
Speaking of which, I met with this guy from a band called Adara, which is an indie/alternative band and I was actually pretty happy with the songs he showed me. Like, really happy actually. I’m stoked. I’m gonna have to get my game on and make sure these guys like me, ’cause I definitely wanna be in this band, it could actually go somewhere! And the best part is, I get to be the keyboard player if they let me in, which is what I love doing, so, double-stoked. We’re having our first practice on Sunday, so that’s the fateful day for me. I’m sure it’ll go well, I’m good at the piano and I’m good at coming up with stuff for the piano, so there’s no reason it should go badly.

This is such a foreign feeling to me, but… I feel pretty happy 🙂

February 20th, 2013

Today was a pretty swell day, I thought, not terribly exciting, but swell. I got an A on my Sociology test, got this wonderful piece of artwork from an old friend and even had a poem dedicated to me! What could be better? Well, besides not being so concerned with life and humanity all the time I mean? Ha, wouldn’t you know I’d have to be one of THOSE people. You know the ones I mean. The ones who are born philosophers even though they really don’t want to be philosophers at all because philosophy is such a depressing subject when it comes down to it. I was born to think. That much I can say for myself. I may still have a lot to learn about life and acceptance and forgiveness and God and all this, but I can damn well THINK it to death first.

Also, my music instructor… UGH.

I swear, I’ve never blanked so much when it comes to writing music. Normally it just kind of flows out of me, but you know what Mr. Smith wants? He wants experimental music. Because I’m in an advanced class and normal music is not advanced. I mean here I am composing these catchy little tunes with lots of interesting hooks and changes and he tells me it’s “Certainly competent” but not “abstract.” When the hell did music being abstract make it advanced?! I thought that just meant you couldn’t write a decent song to save your life so you relied on that label “abstract” to save your ass!

Anyway.

I’ll get over it and write something very abstract and share it with everyone when I’m done and you can be the judge of whether or not it sounds advanced to you. P.S. It’s going to sound like shite. Just sayin.