I Don’t Exist

Forever Yours

I don’t exist. I’m like a ninja by accident. Even in my own home, it’s crazy… I can walk around the whole house 5 times and not one of the 6 other people here will say a word to me, and I won’t say a word to them either. Why? Well I already told you… I’m a ninja, that’s just who I am. It’s not who I want to be though.
Outside of my home it’s quite the same way in the virtual society that tends to be my main source of contact with everyone else (it’s hard to get out when you’re constantly monitored by silent Watchers and don’t have a car). I try to make contact occasionally, to no avail. At that point I’ll fall off of the map completely, and notice, with some disdain, how NOW I seem to be a source of interest. Now that I’m not there anymore. Now that I’m a NINJA.
It’s a vicious cycle though, really. When I do speak I’m rarely really listened to, and when I don’t I am, but I don’t care. ‘Cause it doesn’t mean anything, you know? NOW you want to talk? Why NOW? Because I’m somehow useful to you NOW? The saddest thing, though, is that I’m the only one I can blame for this situation. I don’t exist, I’m a ninja. If I weren’t that way, things wouldn’t be the way they are. It’s not something I can change though, it’s me…
I guess I’ve deluded myself. They always say “fake it till you make it” and for a while, I was faking it, and I’ll be honest, all things considered I was doing a great job! It always comes around to bite me though, and I realize in the end that, yes, I am alone, and that is the way it is. Again, I can’t blame anyone but myself for this, but boy, do I wish it weren’t so… I do wish… I wish it every night. I wish that I could change, be better, be more like someone else, be less like someone else, be able to truly believe in God, be able to understand why I’m here. Nothing changes, no one answers. I speak; my words float away. Someday, I will too, and that day can’t come soon enough.

February 22nd, 2013

DULL. Dear God it was dull. Mostly anyway. At some point I finally decide to start playing the piano and then things started to pick up a little bit. I always get lost when I play the piano. Lose track of time, lose track of where I am, lose track of everything. And that’s kind of a nice thing on a dull day, wouldn’t you say? I think I must’ve played for at least 4 hours straight before I finally stopped and was like “whoa, it’s dark outside.” By that time I got some songs to practice for next Sunday, so I’ll be working on those most likely for the rest of the night! Ah, such a lonely day…

February 19th, 2013

Felt a little abnormally depressed today… I’m not sure exactly what it was, but I blame it on my thoughts of Sarah (both the one from “Me” and “The Darkness”). It’s strange, I’ve gone so long without thinking about them for quite some time now and suddenly it’s like I’m reliving the past all over again. More than just Sarah though, I feel lonely. Again, it’s been some time since I’ve really given excessive amounts of thought to my loneliness, but I feel it coming on more than usual. I appreciate any attempts at helping in this regard, as some of my friends have done, but it’s not friends that I need (and I don’t mean that to come out in a rude way), it’s a soul mate. I need someone who I can not only share my life stories with but who I can share my life with. Cookie told me I was only 20, that not even a quarter of my life had past, that there was still a lot of time left for such things to come to pass and that patience was key. I guess she’s right, but when you feel the way I do, it’s very hard to be patient. When the one thing you need is the one thing that seems furthest out of your reach, what do you do then? I’m considering just buying off a hooker and telling her all about my life while she has her way with me and then hoping I come across as pathetic enough that I get an “I’m sorry, that must be terrible.” That would make me feel better. But ah, who am I kidding? I would never stoop so low… patience and faith, Troy, patience and faith…

P.S. One song has been stuck in my head all day, and that’s “Strobe” by deadmau5. It just feels so powerful to me, like it describes my loneliness but then it evolves and it becomes hopeful and it sort of describes this life in the future that I could be living if only I could make it over this bump of depression. It’s just a fantastic piece of work and I recommend looking it up.

Friends

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Feeling left out is for young kids, right? We don’t have to worry about once we reach college age, ’cause we either already have lots of friends from high school or else it’s pretty easy to meet people. Ha… no. Actually, I feel quite left out of things for a number of reasons.
Friends should be easy to get. I know for a fact they’re not easy to keep, but they should be easy to get. If you’re a genuine person with genuine interest in someone, don’t you think that person should WANT to be your friend? It turns out, in college, it’s not the case. See, there are three different types of people at my college, not including me. 1st, there are those who have so many friends already they don’t have time for another one,  2nd, there are those who seem to have lost interest in gaining friends because they’re too “busy with their lives,” and 3rd, there are those who pick up friends like crazy and dump them off just as fast ’cause they get bored of them. And then, of course, there’s me, just trying to find a damn friend who doesn’t fit into any of those categories. Do I just suck at finding friends? Am I just a totally unsocial loser with no ability to make a new friend? Well, no and no! Actually when it comes to making new friends I put in an honest effort to make the person feel interesting and to make them feel like I’m interested in them.
And yet, the only people I can find are people who are described by one of the three categories above (well, to be fair there are other circumstances as well, but they all relate to one of those three categories. The point is, the people I run into aren’t interested in me as a friend). It’s the sad truth of college, or at least of my life anyway. Maybe I’m TOO friendly? Well, I’ve tried toning it down a bit too, but if I do that then they think I’m boring -.- WTF?! WHY YOU ALL SO HARD TO PLEASE??
All this being said, if you’re reading this and you have friends, KEEP THEM. For God’s sake, they are valuable. Doesn’t mean you have to roll out the red carpet for them every day, but give them some respect. I for one have underestimated the value of friends in my day, and now that I find it so difficult to find any seem to be in a bit of a prickly situation where I have few and none of the few I have are girls (not that that’s a huge problem, but it’s nice to mix things up a bit sometimes).
Ugh, it’s frustrating just thinking about it. I mean, why can’t people just be more accepting of others? What is so hard about putting forth the effort to find something you like about someone and then to be their friend? Do you really have so many friends that you can’t have any more? And this is the weirdest thing to me, when someone extends the hand of friendship why on God’s green earth would you just IGNORE that? It’s unbelievable!
Keep your friends close and your enemies just as close, because if you’re keeping your friends as close as you should your enemies couldn’t possibly get any closer. And be someone’s friend tomorrow, or the day after, or whenever you’re given that opportunity. You may find you get more than you bargained for.