March 1st, 2013

Hey, Troy, what’s up with you, how’s your life been? You suck at keeping up a journal whether it’s online or written by the way. Yes, yes I do. Ah well, much has happened so let’s not waste time bickering. Seems like the past few days have been filled with musical adventures, so it’s been an exciting time. I’m involved in two different bands now, one an indie rock band called “Adara” which I play keyboard in and one unnamed band with a girl named Krystal which I play like whatever I want in. And it’s been good, Adara and I had our first practice last Wednesday and everyone in the band is pretty cool, it’s gonna be good for me to get out more and hang out with fun people so I can get my spunk back that I lost oh so long ago. As for this band with Krystal, I think we still have a chance of going somewhere with music, but more than that I’m glad to be making a new friend! She’s 8 years older than me but acts like a kid still, so it’s all good.
I’ve also still been doing a lot of that silly thinking of mine, mostly about death and what comes afterwards… if anything. It’s depressing to think that there’s not a God. I honestly don’t know how atheists can get by day to day knowing that one day they’ll literally be nothing. I think that’s a scary thought. I don’t truly believe it though, surely the subconscious part of us must live on even after our consciousness is gone, it just won’t be quite the same… no icecream, no sex, no smelling the roses… still, there must be something, right?
What else? Well, I never got sick. EVERYONE IS GETTING SICK. God, it’s annoying. It’s like what’s wrong with you people? I am literally the only person I know from around here who hasn’t picked up the flu at least a little bit it seems! I shouldn’t blame everyone else though, it’s not their fault they have weak immune systems… I’m just blessed I suppose, eh? Or maybe this flu thing is a conspiracy so no one can hang out with me this Saturday, ’cause apparently everyone is busy tomorrow… hmm… just like the moon landing. That was totally fake, I don’t care what you say. Absolute garbage.


Deep Space Monsters

That’s right, Deep Space Monsters. A 2 and a half minute long experimental song to appease the great Mr. Smith and his love of abstract music πŸ˜› As I said in my previous post… SHITE. But, there ya have it, my first experimental song… *sniff* I’m so proud…

Crazy Planet


Crazy Planet


The cars are cacophonous

And the lights are too loud

And the cities are screaming

Because the band is

Out of tune.

The Sun is spitting and the

Moon is moaning and the

Earth is groaning

Because the Conductor

Is missing.


And I can’t help but wonder

Where He might have got to.


Running in circles around

Broken notes and broken strings,

My heart stops beating

Because it’s playing the music

By itself.

And now the cars are stopping

And the lights are dimming

And the cities are shutting up

Because God might still save this

Crazy planet.

February 22nd, 2013

DULL. Dear God it was dull. Mostly anyway. At some point I finally decide to start playing the piano and then things started to pick up a little bit. I always get lost when I play the piano. Lose track of time, lose track of where I am, lose track of everything. And that’s kind of a nice thing on a dull day, wouldn’t you say? I think I must’ve played for at least 4 hours straight before I finally stopped and was like “whoa, it’s dark outside.” By that time I got some songs to practice for next Sunday, so I’ll be working on those most likely for the rest of the night! Ah, such a lonely day…

February 21st, 2013

Another good day… that’s two in a row! God, that must be like a new record or something… no, but seriously, it starts out with me learning that school is closed ’cause of the snow, so I get to stay in bed for a long time. And I got a lot done today, as far as getting my head together goes I mean. I think branching out a little bit has been helping me, especially this whole pursual of a new band.
Speaking of which, I met with this guy from a band called Adara, which is an indie/alternative band and I was actually pretty happy with the songs he showed me. Like, really happy actually. I’m stoked. I’m gonna have to get my game on and make sure these guys like me, ’cause I definitely wanna be in this band, it could actually go somewhere! And the best part is, I get to be the keyboard player if they let me in, which is what I love doing, so, double-stoked. We’re having our first practice on Sunday, so that’s the fateful day for me. I’m sure it’ll go well, I’m good at the piano and I’m good at coming up with stuff for the piano, so there’s no reason it should go badly.

This is such a foreign feeling to me, but… I feel pretty happy πŸ™‚

February 20th, 2013

Today was a pretty swell day, I thought, not terribly exciting, but swell. I got an A on my Sociology test, got this wonderful piece of artwork from an old friend and even had a poem dedicated to me! What could be better? Well, besides not being so concerned with life and humanity all the time I mean? Ha, wouldn’t you know I’d have to be one of THOSE people. You know the ones I mean. The ones who are born philosophers even though they really don’t want to be philosophers at all because philosophy is such a depressing subject when it comes down to it. I was born to think. That much I can say for myself. I may still have a lot to learn about life and acceptance and forgiveness and God and all this, but I can damn well THINK it to death first.

Also, my music instructor… UGH.

I swear, I’ve never blanked so much when it comes to writing music. Normally it just kind of flows out of me, but you know what Mr. Smith wants? He wants experimental music. Because I’m in an advanced class and normal music is not advanced. I mean here I am composing these catchy little tunes with lots of interesting hooks and changes and he tells me it’s “Certainly competent” but not “abstract.” When the hell did music being abstract make it advanced?! I thought that just meant you couldn’t write a decent song to save your life so you relied on that label “abstract” to save your ass!


I’ll get over it and write something very abstract and share it with everyone when I’m done and you can be the judge of whether or not it sounds advanced to you. P.S. It’s going to sound like shite. Just sayin.

February 18th, 2013

Today began as Mondays typically do, with having to get up at the ungodly hour of 6:30 in order to make class. We had a test today which I did quite well on I think. I came home and basically just wanted to sleep at that point but a little adderall helped to fix that problem up. I started work on a piece I’m making for my computer music class, which happens to be tomorrow, I think it’s rather catchy, if not in my usual style of rock/metal. I’ve been getting into composing EDM music lately, very fun stuff! Anyway, I had a thought today. About God. I was a little upset with Him. Reason being, I’m here, on this planet. I was born. The implications of this are enormous! For one thing I’ve had to suffer through the insufferable and come out on the other side only to be shunned and ignored, for another thing I can’t seem to find much happiness in things that used to bring me pleasure, and for the last thing eventually I have to die. Ugh, life. Consciousness. Maybe death won’t be so bad, but it still scares the living daylights out of me.
I fell asleep in Statistics today… nothing new there… and then I came home and it’s basically been write music and talk to friends online since then.
Can’t wait to get out of here *Sigh* I have a good feeling that once I finally leave the house things will start looking up. But that day may not come for a while now…

13 Things That Make Me Smile


Before I begin to write the other story about me that has shaped my life into what it is today, I wanted to write something a little more lighthearted and optimistic. 13 things that make me smile (13 being my favorite number, not because it’s ironic), not in any particular order at all πŸ™‚

1. Pizza (especially the pepperoni kind)
2. Old couples holding hands
3. Music (of all varieties)
4. People who limp (’cause they’re funny looking, don’t deny it!)
5. Technology, in all its underrated depth and glory
6. Sharpened pencils
7. A good poem
8. A bad movie
9. My silly, bipolar thoughts
10. My stupid, fat cat named Sunny who bangs his head into things
11. Icecream!!
12. The X-Files (that Dana Scully… πŸ˜‰ jk)
13. The people who make my life a little brighter every day (that includes the elusive Mom who is always out and about making other people’s lives a little easier and the rhyming Cookie who somehow manages to make me feel special even when I don’t believe it myself).

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Singles Awareness Day


Today is Singles Awareness Day. It doesn’t really bother me too much actually, I haven’t had a girlfriend in all of… oh… 9 months now. It would be nice to have someone wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day besides my mother, but hey, you can’t go wishing too much ’cause 99% of the time you’re not going to get what you wish for.
Anyway, I was thankful to be able to sleep in today because my first class didn’t start until 12:15. After that I went to see my therapist and told him about how I’ve been doing, the thoughts I’ve been having, and this blog. He thought it was a good idea to have a blog because it would help me put down my thoughts and hopefully forget about them for a while. He’s actually right on that point.
The one thing that does bother me is there’s this girl I kind of like who goes to my school, but I know with absolute certainty that she doesn’t like me back. It’s sad, but what are you gonna do… I’m not sure why she doesn’t like me. I mean, no, I’m not exactly a looker or anything, but I’m a nice guy and while you may view me as totally depressed judging by this blog, I can be upbeat when I need to be. Plus, I mean, I do music and visual fx, I’m into the same kind of music and I love philosophy like she does! So I’ve concluded it’s my looks. Not really a shocker. Girls are all shallow (at least the ones I’ve known), and I will most definitely be writing a post on this tonight.
Well, anyway. At least we’re having a little Valentine’s party here at my house with the family in about an hour here. That’ll take my mind off things. Happy Singles Awareness Day all!

Why I’m making a blog


That guy up there is me. Doing what I love to do most, which is to play music. In fact, playing music is the one thing in this world that really seems worth doing. Everything else is just a big old meaningless blur that sort of manifests itself in an appealing way to some oblivious people. But not to me. And that’s why I’m writing this blog. For myself mainly, but also for anyone who either doesn’t really understand what life is about or wishes they did. I like to think I have a pretty good idea, of course this is from the point of view of an angsty 20 year old guy who ran away to NY a couple years ago and realized just how miserable life can really be.

This blog won’t be totally depressing of course, there are a lot of good things life has to offer as well, and I’ll be including all those things. But for the most part, it will be somewhat depressing because life is, by nature, depressing. This is actually an indisputable fact, and you will see I have proof if you choose to read through the many posts I plan on making here.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you find that you can come to some sort of peace of mind or enlightenment in your own way. As for myself, I’m still searching, and probably will be until the end of my days.