I Don’t Exist

Forever Yours

I don’t exist. I’m like a ninja by accident. Even in my own home, it’s crazy… I can walk around the whole house 5 times and not one of the 6 other people here will say a word to me, and I won’t say a word to them either. Why? Well I already told you… I’m a ninja, that’s just who I am. It’s not who I want to be though.
Outside of my home it’s quite the same way in the virtual society that tends to be my main source of contact with everyone else (it’s hard to get out when you’re constantly monitored by silent Watchers and don’t have a car). I try to make contact occasionally, to no avail. At that point I’ll fall off of the map completely, and notice, with some disdain, how NOW I seem to be a source of interest. Now that I’m not there anymore. Now that I’m a NINJA.
It’s a vicious cycle though, really. When I do speak I’m rarely really listened to, and when I don’t I am, but I don’t care. ‘Cause it doesn’t mean anything, you know? NOW you want to talk? Why NOW? Because I’m somehow useful to you NOW? The saddest thing, though, is that I’m the only one I can blame for this situation. I don’t exist, I’m a ninja. If I weren’t that way, things wouldn’t be the way they are. It’s not something I can change though, it’s me…
I guess I’ve deluded myself. They always say “fake it till you make it” and for a while, I was faking it, and I’ll be honest, all things considered I was doing a great job! It always comes around to bite me though, and I realize in the end that, yes, I am alone, and that is the way it is. Again, I can’t blame anyone but myself for this, but boy, do I wish it weren’t so… I do wish… I wish it every night. I wish that I could change, be better, be more like someone else, be less like someone else, be able to truly believe in God, be able to understand why I’m here. Nothing changes, no one answers. I speak; my words float away. Someday, I will too, and that day can’t come soon enough.

Girls

Image

Girls. I could rant for days. Instead I’ll just cover the important things though… You can’t live with em, you can’t live without em as they say. I’m at that age where I’m kind of in limbo between wanting and needing a partner of some kind. Someone who is patient, kind and understanding, someone who is not judgmental and appreciates the little things in life. You know, just a generally nice girl. There’s just one problem… I can’t find any. That’s right, try as I might, I have not found one girl who matches the description above. Plenty of guys like that, but that’s not gonna help me much. And I’m not sexist either. I really like girls. I do. But they’re sadistic little creatures!
It’s not just the physically attractive ones either. Oh, those are bad though, to be sure. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been used and abused and stood up and thrown aside and mocked (subtly, of course) and otherwise hurt by some girl who knew I liked her and thought it would be fun to play games.
Some girls don’t play those games, they just pretend to be really nice. So if I say, “hey, we should hang out sometime” and they don’t really want to, they’ll go “YAH SURE THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC!! XOXO” and then they’ll just ignore me forever. It’s like they already have so many friends there’s not room for another one. It’s terrible. And I’m not “coming on” to anyone either, I’m perfectly nice about it. When I do come on to someone, it always backfires anyway and I never do it again. ‘Cause let’s face it, girls just don’t like me. And I think that’s the main cause for my frustration really… but it’s not that they don’t like me cause I’m a negative, mean person. The only reason I can possibly find, after much self-reflection and working my butt off to improve myself as much as I possibly could, is my looks.
It’s so degrading. Having tried so hard for the past 9 months after my last break up to be the best person I can be, even faced with a rotten past and Bipolar Disorder, and to be tossed aside because you don’t look like… I don’t know, <insert attractive guy here>. The point is, it just hurts. And like I said, it’s not just the attractive girls. Even the unattractive ones (physically mind you) treat me like a lesser friend. And I just don’t know what else to do… I’m a good friend, I ask to hang out, I don’t flirt when I know they’re not interested, I find something genuinely attractive about every person I meet, and yet all I get in return is this sort of half-hearted attempt to be nice to the “weird kid.” And I’m not that weird. At least I don’t think so.
It’s just annoying. “Where have all the good guys gone?” doesn’t mean anything anymore. It translates into “Where have all the good attractive guys gone?” and that’s just shallow. I mean really, I could care less about physical appearance and I mean that. No, I won’t date an obese girl, but not because she’s obese, simply because if she can’t take care of her body I can’t expect her to make a good partner. I take care of myself. I take care of my friends. I take extremely good care of my significant others. I’m not gonna be modest about it… I’m a really good partner! I always try my best in any relationship!
I just wish girls had values like they used to. And I wish they cared about the world and about philosophy and life and all that. I’m tired of all the materialism and selfishness, and I’m tired of the girls who act like they don’t buy into all that stuff and then do. Who was the person that said don’t rant in a blog? BAHAHAHA I’LL RANT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO!
Sorry, lost my cool there for a second. *Sigh* girls. They just make me a sad panda. If I ever find someone who actually accepts me for who I am… well, lucky her :]