I Don’t Exist

I don’t exist. I’m like a ninja by accident. Even in my own home, it’s crazy… I can walk around the whole house 5 times and not one of the 6 other people here will say a word to me, and I won’t say a word to them either. Why? Well I already told you… I’m a ninja, that’s just who I am. It’s not who I want to be though.
Outside of my home it’s quite the same way in the virtual society that tends to be my main source of contact with everyone else (it’s hard to get out when you’re constantly monitored by silent Watchers and don’t have a car). I try to make contact occasionally, to no avail. At that point I’ll fall off of the map completely, and notice, with some disdain, how NOW I seem to be a source of interest. Now that I’m not there anymore. Now that I’m a NINJA.
It’s a vicious cycle though, really. When I do speak I’m rarely really listened to, and when I don’t I am, but I don’t care. ‘Cause it doesn’t mean anything, you know? NOW you want to talk? Why NOW? Because I’m somehow useful to you NOW? The saddest thing, though, is that I’m the only one I can blame for this situation. I don’t exist, I’m a ninja. If I weren’t that way, things wouldn’t be the way they are. It’s not something I can change though, it’s me…
I guess I’ve deluded myself. They always say “fake it till you make it” and for a while, I was faking it, and I’ll be honest, all things considered I was doing a great job! It always comes around to bite me though, and I realize in the end that, yes, I am alone, and that is the way it is. Again, I can’t blame anyone but myself for this, but boy, do I wish it weren’t so… I do wish… I wish it every night. I wish that I could change, be better, be more like someone else, be less like someone else, be able to truly believe in God, be able to understand why I’m here. Nothing changes, no one answers. I speak; my words float away. Someday, I will too, and that day can’t come soon enough.

Girls Are Weird!

Another post about girls, trust me, there will be more. I’m not ranting so much this time, more just observing some bizarre, sometimes annoying, sometimes just strange facts. The first of these is that every good girl it seems is already taken. Obviously, right? But by good girl, I mean not only the kind of girl that I would like to have, but the kind of girl who would like me back. All those girls are either engaged or pregnant or else otherwise occupied with some other guy who may or may not be deserving of her in the first place. And that’s another thing, these girls, it seems, NEVER BREAK UP with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands. Even if said bf/fiance/husband cheats on her or if the relationship is just kind of meh or if they’re fighting or what-have-you. And I’m like whhhyyyy? If you would just break up with that guy then we could be together, dammit! But, obviously, it’s not that simple, and I know that. Just annoying.
Here’s another strange thing, the girls who do like me have odd ways of showing it. Like, flirting with other guys or pretending that they don’t like me. So how do I know they like me? ‘Cause they tell me AFTER they’ve found someone else -.- They don’t even give me a chance! And it doesn’t make sense, it’s like why didn’t you choose me over that other guy in the first place? Well, I know why, it’s ’cause I’m not as good-looking probably, and then they end up breaking up with the other guy and then they’re heart-broken and they find another attractive guy and the cycle goes on, like a crazy, addicted drunk. Basically, they just like me the whole time but don’t do anything about it. Must be my scary, “dark presence” and attitude or something, eh?
Anyway. Then there’s just the fact that I like a couple girls right now, but the depressing thing is I don’t have a shot at either of them. One of them I’m just kinda hoping likes me (well, both of them actually) even though she’s drop-dead gorgeous and the other one is not currently available. I also know when I like people very quickly, and girls have this thing where they have to know you for at least a year before they’ll consider dating you… at least that’s what I’ve heard from the ones I’ve known, that can’t always be true… point is, I haven’t known these girls very long at all. *Sigh*. What to do? You’d think I would be able to woo a fair maiden with my incredible piano skills and my charming-if-not-altogether-sane attitude, but noooo. No, they are all crazy.

Girls are weird!

I Feel Insane Sometimes

I found this little snippet in one of my journals today, I think it’s from last year. It’s interesting because when I feel this way I usually write more symbolically and less in rant-style. It makes me sad to read.

At night, I cry because I feel and know that nobody loves me. During the day, I want to cry from boredom and lack of friendship. In the early mornings, I cry because I hate everyone and would rather stay in bed. But then I cry more because what if I’m wasting a pointless, godless life just lying in bed doing nothing? Then I wonder what am I supposed to do outside of bed anyway? This morning, I woke up and cried because I realized I truly am becoming a psychopath. I want to isolate myself from everyone. I know without a doubt that if there were a button to push that would kill every selfish person on this stupid planet I would push it and feel no regret. And there would be no one left to populate the planet. I hate everyone. I’m tired of getting pushed around. I’m tired of people pretending to be my friends or making me feel wanted and then turning their backs on me when I’m not fun for one day because I need help. I wish everyone would just disappear and leave me alone. I wish I would stop crying even as I type this, realizing what I’m turning into. I wish I could stop writing “I,” but it’s not like this is about anyone else cause “You” and “They” and “Everyone” are just terms for hurtful, painful, evil sentient beings that are all out to make me miserable just by existing. I hate my life. I hate using the word hate and meaning it wholeheartedly. I hate myself. I don’t see the point in going on. I questioned whether or not there is a God this morning and if there’s not then I really am going to go over the edge. The only thing keeping me sane is not knowing for sure. I’m going to break, and I can feel it coming soon.

I’m A Scary Guy

Don’t laugh, people who know me… I am. Terribly frightening. I hold doors open for people even when they’re 20 feet away, say please and thank you with a smile as often as I can, compliment women’s hair, and refrain from being judgmental about individual people when getting to know them. I AM A MONSTER… but, as you can probably tell, this is all very sarcastic and ridiculous.
See, here’s the thing, I’m really not that scary at all. In fact, I’m one of the more emotional and sensitive guys you’ll meet. But appearances can definitely be deceiving.
I mean, I really tried looking at myself from an outside perspective today. This is all in my never-ending effort to discover what it is about me that seems to make people turn away, because I’m just self-aware like that. I look pretty emo most days, hair long and oftentimes over my eyes unless I decide I want it fluffy one day. I wear black skinny jeans, black shirts and black converse shoes. I carry around a black backpack with the Anarchy symbol displayed proudly on the back and I walk in such a way so that it seems I’m not going anywhere in particular. Maybe a little daunting? A little different, to be sure, but not exactly scary. Then again, maybe different is scary to some people. But then, how different am I really? There’s plenty of people who dress the same way and tote around Anarchy symbols just cause they’re posers… maybe the problem is just that, I’m not a poser. Maybe the problem is that everyone else is posing and when they see me they go AAAHHH BLINDED BY THE TRUTH!! HE’S… SO… REAL! I dunno, just speculating here.
But I did hear once, from a friend, that I could be a little daunting. She said it was my “mysterious nature” and “dark appearance.” Not even sure what that means, to be honest. It’s not like on the days I’m forced to wear yellow shirts and boring blue jeans that anyone treats me any differently. And mysterious nature? What? I’m the least mysterious of people, I share like everything about myself! But, apparently I’m scary, and I’ve really got to figure out how, ’cause it’s driving me nuts here people. I’m getting a little tired of the weird looks in my direction, or lack thereof. I’m either invisible or I stick out like a sore thumb, and not in the good way. I’m going to try something for the rest of this week though. I’m going to wear all brighter colors, keep my hair fluffy all the time, not tote my anarchy backpack around, just be a total loser basically. And I’m gonna see if people react differently towards me then. I think this is a good experiment actually, it could tell me a lot; or, more likely, nothing at all. ‘Cause at the end of the day, Marilyn Manson is married, so I don’t think “scary” really has anything to do with it…

Friends

Feeling left out is for young kids, right? We don’t have to worry about once we reach college age, ’cause we either already have lots of friends from high school or else it’s pretty easy to meet people. Ha… no. Actually, I feel quite left out of things for a number of reasons.
Friends should be easy to get. I know for a fact they’re not easy to keep, but they should be easy to get. If you’re a genuine person with genuine interest in someone, don’t you think that person should WANT to be your friend? It turns out, in college, it’s not the case. See, there are three different types of people at my college, not including me. 1st, there are those who have so many friends already they don’t have time for another one,  2nd, there are those who seem to have lost interest in gaining friends because they’re too “busy with their lives,” and 3rd, there are those who pick up friends like crazy and dump them off just as fast ’cause they get bored of them. And then, of course, there’s me, just trying to find a damn friend who doesn’t fit into any of those categories. Do I just suck at finding friends? Am I just a totally unsocial loser with no ability to make a new friend? Well, no and no! Actually when it comes to making new friends I put in an honest effort to make the person feel interesting and to make them feel like I’m interested in them.
And yet, the only people I can find are people who are described by one of the three categories above (well, to be fair there are other circumstances as well, but they all relate to one of those three categories. The point is, the people I run into aren’t interested in me as a friend). It’s the sad truth of college, or at least of my life anyway. Maybe I’m TOO friendly? Well, I’ve tried toning it down a bit too, but if I do that then they think I’m boring -.- WTF?! WHY YOU ALL SO HARD TO PLEASE??
All this being said, if you’re reading this and you have friends, KEEP THEM. For God’s sake, they are valuable. Doesn’t mean you have to roll out the red carpet for them every day, but give them some respect. I for one have underestimated the value of friends in my day, and now that I find it so difficult to find any seem to be in a bit of a prickly situation where I have few and none of the few I have are girls (not that that’s a huge problem, but it’s nice to mix things up a bit sometimes).
Ugh, it’s frustrating just thinking about it. I mean, why can’t people just be more accepting of others? What is so hard about putting forth the effort to find something you like about someone and then to be their friend? Do you really have so many friends that you can’t have any more? And this is the weirdest thing to me, when someone extends the hand of friendship why on God’s green earth would you just IGNORE that? It’s unbelievable!
Keep your friends close and your enemies just as close, because if you’re keeping your friends as close as you should your enemies couldn’t possibly get any closer. And be someone’s friend tomorrow, or the day after, or whenever you’re given that opportunity. You may find you get more than you bargained for.

Girls

Girls. I could rant for days. Instead I’ll just cover the important things though… You can’t live with em, you can’t live without em as they say. I’m at that age where I’m kind of in limbo between wanting and needing a partner of some kind. Someone who is patient, kind and understanding, someone who is not judgmental and appreciates the little things in life. You know, just a generally nice girl. There’s just one problem… I can’t find any. That’s right, try as I might, I have not found one girl who matches the description above. Plenty of guys like that, but that’s not gonna help me much. And I’m not sexist either. I really like girls. I do. But they’re sadistic little creatures!
It’s not just the physically attractive ones either. Oh, those are bad though, to be sure. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been used and abused and stood up and thrown aside and mocked (subtly, of course) and otherwise hurt by some girl who knew I liked her and thought it would be fun to play games.
Some girls don’t play those games, they just pretend to be really nice. So if I say, “hey, we should hang out sometime” and they don’t really want to, they’ll go “YAH SURE THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC!! XOXO” and then they’ll just ignore me forever. It’s like they already have so many friends there’s not room for another one. It’s terrible. And I’m not “coming on” to anyone either, I’m perfectly nice about it. When I do come on to someone, it always backfires anyway and I never do it again. ‘Cause let’s face it, girls just don’t like me. And I think that’s the main cause for my frustration really… but it’s not that they don’t like me cause I’m a negative, mean person. The only reason I can possibly find, after much self-reflection and working my butt off to improve myself as much as I possibly could, is my looks.
It’s so degrading. Having tried so hard for the past 9 months after my last break up to be the best person I can be, even faced with a rotten past and Bipolar Disorder, and to be tossed aside because you don’t look like… I don’t know, <insert attractive guy here>. The point is, it just hurts. And like I said, it’s not just the attractive girls. Even the unattractive ones (physically mind you) treat me like a lesser friend. And I just don’t know what else to do… I’m a good friend, I ask to hang out, I don’t flirt when I know they’re not interested, I find something genuinely attractive about every person I meet, and yet all I get in return is this sort of half-hearted attempt to be nice to the “weird kid.” And I’m not that weird. At least I don’t think so.
It’s just annoying. “Where have all the good guys gone?” doesn’t mean anything anymore. It translates into “Where have all the good attractive guys gone?” and that’s just shallow. I mean really, I could care less about physical appearance and I mean that. No, I won’t date an obese girl, but not because she’s obese, simply because if she can’t take care of her body I can’t expect her to make a good partner. I take care of myself. I take care of my friends. I take extremely good care of my significant others. I’m not gonna be modest about it… I’m a really good partner! I always try my best in any relationship!
I just wish girls had values like they used to. And I wish they cared about the world and about philosophy and life and all that. I’m tired of all the materialism and selfishness, and I’m tired of the girls who act like they don’t buy into all that stuff and then do. Who was the person that said don’t rant in a blog? BAHAHAHA I’LL RANT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO!
Sorry, lost my cool there for a second. *Sigh* girls. They just make me a sad panda. If I ever find someone who actually accepts me for who I am… well, lucky her :]

Why I’m making a blog

That guy up there is me. Doing what I love to do most, which is to play music. In fact, playing music is the one thing in this world that really seems worth doing. Everything else is just a big old meaningless blur that sort of manifests itself in an appealing way to some oblivious people. But not to me. And that’s why I’m writing this blog. For myself mainly, but also for anyone who either doesn’t really understand what life is about or wishes they did. I like to think I have a pretty good idea, of course this is from the point of view of an angsty 20 year old guy who ran away to NY a couple years ago and realized just how miserable life can really be.

This blog won’t be totally depressing of course, there are a lot of good things life has to offer as well, and I’ll be including all those things. But for the most part, it will be somewhat depressing because life is, by nature, depressing. This is actually an indisputable fact, and you will see I have proof if you choose to read through the many posts I plan on making here.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you find that you can come to some sort of peace of mind or enlightenment in your own way. As for myself, I’m still searching, and probably will be until the end of my days.

-Troy