Girls Are Weird!

forever alone

Another post about girls, trust me, there will be more. I’m not ranting so much this time, more just observing some bizarre, sometimes annoying, sometimes just strange facts. The first of these is that every good girl it seems is already taken. Obviously, right? But by good girl, I mean not only the kind of girl that I would like to have, but the kind of girl who would like me back. All those girls are either engaged or pregnant or else otherwise occupied with some other guy who may or may not be deserving of her in the first place. And that’s another thing, these girls, it seems, NEVER BREAK UP with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands. Even if said bf/fiance/husband cheats on her or if the relationship is just kind of meh or if they’re fighting or what-have-you. And I’m like whhhyyyy? If you would just break up with that guy then we could be together, dammit! But, obviously, it’s not that simple, and I know that. Just annoying.
Here’s another strange thing, the girls who do like me have odd ways of showing it. Like, flirting with other guys or pretending that they don’t like me. So how do I know they like me? ‘Cause they tell me AFTER they’ve found someone else -.- They don’t even give me a chance! And it doesn’t make sense, it’s like why didn’t you choose me over that other guy in the first place? Well, I know why, it’s ’cause I’m not as good-looking probably, and then they end up breaking up with the other guy and then they’re heart-broken and they find another attractive guy and the cycle goes on, like a crazy, addicted drunk. Basically, they just like me the whole time but don’t do anything about it. Must be my scary, “dark presence” and attitude or something, eh?
Anyway. Then there’s just the fact that I like a couple girls right now, but the depressing thing is I don’t have a shot at either of them. One of them I’m just kinda hoping likes me (well, both of them actually) even though she’s drop-dead gorgeous and the other one is not currently available. I also know when I like people very quickly, and girls have this thing where they have to know you for at least a year before they’ll consider dating you… at least that’s what I’ve heard from the ones I’ve known, that can’t always be true… point is, I haven’t known these girls very long at all. *Sigh*. What to do? You’d think I would be able to woo a fair maiden with my incredible piano skills and my charming-if-not-altogether-sane attitude, but noooo. No, they are all crazy.

Girls are weird!


Deep Space Monsters

That’s right, Deep Space Monsters. A 2 and a half minute long experimental song to appease the great Mr. Smith and his love of abstract music 😛 As I said in my previous post… SHITE. But, there ya have it, my first experimental song… *sniff* I’m so proud…

Crazy Planet


Crazy Planet


The cars are cacophonous

And the lights are too loud

And the cities are screaming

Because the band is

Out of tune.

The Sun is spitting and the

Moon is moaning and the

Earth is groaning

Because the Conductor

Is missing.


And I can’t help but wonder

Where He might have got to.


Running in circles around

Broken notes and broken strings,

My heart stops beating

Because it’s playing the music

By itself.

And now the cars are stopping

And the lights are dimming

And the cities are shutting up

Because God might still save this

Crazy planet.

I Miss You

girl heart

Dear Sarah,

I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss your red scarf…  the tattoo of my name on your ankle… the way you combed your hair and didn’t care… your attitude (no one talks like you anymore)… your philosophy on life… your beauty, within and without… your dancing… your music… your life and energy… your “deadly strike of deadliness” that really wasn’t deadly at all… your appreciation of life… your way of making me feel better no matter what… your secrets… your mystery… your flaws… the way I could talk to you and be myself… the way you made everyone feel special… but most of all, I miss your love, your real and true love. And that’s something I will never find in quite the same way again.

I Feel Insane Sometimes

I found this little snippet in one of my journals today, I think it’s from last year. It’s interesting because when I feel this way I usually write more symbolically and less in rant-style. It makes me sad to read.

At night, I cry because I feel and know that nobody loves me. During the day, I want to cry from boredom and lack of friendship. In the early mornings, I cry because I hate everyone and would rather stay in bed. But then I cry more because what if I’m wasting a pointless, godless life just lying in bed doing nothing? Then I wonder what am I supposed to do outside of bed anyway? This morning, I woke up and cried because I realized I truly am becoming a psychopath. I want to isolate myself from everyone. I know without a doubt that if there were a button to push that would kill every selfish person on this stupid planet I would push it and feel no regret. And there would be no one left to populate the planet. I hate everyone. I’m tired of getting pushed around. I’m tired of people pretending to be my friends or making me feel wanted and then turning their backs on me when I’m not fun for one day because I need help. I wish everyone would just disappear and leave me alone. I wish I would stop crying even as I type this, realizing what I’m turning into. I wish I could stop writing “I,” but it’s not like this is about anyone else cause “You” and “They” and “Everyone” are just terms for hurtful, painful, evil sentient beings that are all out to make me miserable just by existing. I hate my life. I hate using the word hate and meaning it wholeheartedly. I hate myself. I don’t see the point in going on. I questioned whether or not there is a God this morning and if there’s not then I really am going to go over the edge. The only thing keeping me sane is not knowing for sure. I’m going to break, and I can feel it coming soon.

February 22nd, 2013

DULL. Dear God it was dull. Mostly anyway. At some point I finally decide to start playing the piano and then things started to pick up a little bit. I always get lost when I play the piano. Lose track of time, lose track of where I am, lose track of everything. And that’s kind of a nice thing on a dull day, wouldn’t you say? I think I must’ve played for at least 4 hours straight before I finally stopped and was like “whoa, it’s dark outside.” By that time I got some songs to practice for next Sunday, so I’ll be working on those most likely for the rest of the night! Ah, such a lonely day…

February 21st, 2013

Another good day… that’s two in a row! God, that must be like a new record or something… no, but seriously, it starts out with me learning that school is closed ’cause of the snow, so I get to stay in bed for a long time. And I got a lot done today, as far as getting my head together goes I mean. I think branching out a little bit has been helping me, especially this whole pursual of a new band.
Speaking of which, I met with this guy from a band called Adara, which is an indie/alternative band and I was actually pretty happy with the songs he showed me. Like, really happy actually. I’m stoked. I’m gonna have to get my game on and make sure these guys like me, ’cause I definitely wanna be in this band, it could actually go somewhere! And the best part is, I get to be the keyboard player if they let me in, which is what I love doing, so, double-stoked. We’re having our first practice on Sunday, so that’s the fateful day for me. I’m sure it’ll go well, I’m good at the piano and I’m good at coming up with stuff for the piano, so there’s no reason it should go badly.

This is such a foreign feeling to me, but… I feel pretty happy 🙂

The Circus


The Circus


Politicians acting like clowns,

Entertaining little children

With upside-down frowns,

Secretly plotting beneath the makeup

To kill everyone.


Idiots riding roller coasters,

Joy-rides, cyanide,

One wrong move away from suicide,

Enjoying every second of it

Because they don’t know better.


Rich men on the merry-going-round

And around in circles,

Bored and tired,

Listening to the same song play

Over and over and over again.


You and your friend trying to

Knock over the cups,

And you only get three shots,

Not realizing that the cups are weighted,

That they totter, but never fall.


And then there’s me,

Standing outside the entrance,

Watching the circus animals from afar

My head in my hands

Tears streaming down my face.


Wondering if I’m really happier than they are.





I have a great friend.

His name is Jack.

He talks a lot.

He says little.

All I am is what he made me.

All I will be is who he is.



Hello, Jack.

“Open the door, take a walk!

The World is inviting this morning!”

I open the door, and take a walk.

The World is, indeed, inviting.

Though very dark.


“Get in the car, go for a ride!

The Road is calling!”

I get in the car, I start driving.

The ride is fun, but the Road is



“Faster, now! How empty the Road is today!

As if all of it were yours!”

I speed up.

Certainly, it would seem to me,

The Road could very well be mine,

But it is not empty.


“Go! Go!

The Light is green!”

I go.

The Light is not green.


I begin to perceive

Jack’s plan.

He tries to explain to me

The meaning of my life

But he stops short.


The story is over.

February 20th, 2013

Today was a pretty swell day, I thought, not terribly exciting, but swell. I got an A on my Sociology test, got this wonderful piece of artwork from an old friend and even had a poem dedicated to me! What could be better? Well, besides not being so concerned with life and humanity all the time I mean? Ha, wouldn’t you know I’d have to be one of THOSE people. You know the ones I mean. The ones who are born philosophers even though they really don’t want to be philosophers at all because philosophy is such a depressing subject when it comes down to it. I was born to think. That much I can say for myself. I may still have a lot to learn about life and acceptance and forgiveness and God and all this, but I can damn well THINK it to death first.

Also, my music instructor… UGH.

I swear, I’ve never blanked so much when it comes to writing music. Normally it just kind of flows out of me, but you know what Mr. Smith wants? He wants experimental music. Because I’m in an advanced class and normal music is not advanced. I mean here I am composing these catchy little tunes with lots of interesting hooks and changes and he tells me it’s “Certainly competent” but not “abstract.” When the hell did music being abstract make it advanced?! I thought that just meant you couldn’t write a decent song to save your life so you relied on that label “abstract” to save your ass!


I’ll get over it and write something very abstract and share it with everyone when I’m done and you can be the judge of whether or not it sounds advanced to you. P.S. It’s going to sound like shite. Just sayin.