You Live Right Here

You Live Right Here

 

When poets forget how to

Make people cry,

When all of the airplanes

Start arriving on time,

 

When all those who care can no longer try,

Never forget that I love you.

 

When all of the music is

Spoken and not heard,

When the words that we speak

Become mundane and absurd,

 

When the paths that we walk take the darkest of turns,

Never forget that I love you.

 

When the mountains collapse

And the oceans overflow,

When hatred at last

Becomes all that we know,

 

When God calls His people and nobody shows,

Never forget that I love you.

 

Never have I met,

In the time that I’ve lived,

A girl to whom my heart,

I’d so gladly give.

 

A girl who forever and always will live

Right here in my heart,

 

Where we’ll never be apart.

Crazy Planet

 

The cars are cacophonous

And the lights are too loud

And the cities are screaming

Because the band is

Out of tune.

The Sun is spitting and the

Moon is moaning and the

Earth is groaning

Because the Conductor

Is missing.

 

And I can’t help but wonder

Where He might have got to.

 

Running in circles around

Broken notes and broken strings,

My heart stops beating

Because it’s playing the music

By itself.

And now the cars are stopping

And the lights are dimming

And the cities are shutting up

Because God might still save this

Crazy planet.

The Circus

 

Politicians acting like clowns,

Entertaining little children

With upside-down frowns,

Secretly plotting beneath the makeup

To kill everyone.

 

Idiots riding roller coasters,

Joy-rides, cyanide,

One wrong move away from suicide,

Enjoying every second of it

Because they don’t know better.

 

Rich men on the merry-going-round

And around in circles,

Bored and tired,

Listening to the same song play

Over and over and over again.

 

You and your friend trying to

Knock over the cups,

And you only get three shots,

Not realizing that the cups are weighted,

That they totter, but never fall.

 

And then there’s me,

Standing outside the entrance,

Watching the circus animals from afar

My head in my hands

Tears streaming down my face.

 

Wondering if I’m really happier than they are.

Jack

Jack

 

I have a great friend.

His name is Jack.

He talks a lot.

He says little.

All I am is what he made me.

All I will be is who he is.

 

“Hello.”

Hello, Jack.

“Open the door, take a walk!

The World is inviting this morning!”

I open the door, and take a walk.

The World is, indeed, inviting.

Though very dark.

 

“Get in the car, go for a ride!

The Road is calling!”

I get in the car, I start driving.

The ride is fun, but the Road is

Silent.

 

“Faster, now! How empty the Road is today!

As if all of it were yours!”

I speed up.

Certainly, it would seem to me,

The Road could very well be mine,

But it is not empty.

 

“Go! Go!

The Light is green!”

I go.

The Light is not green.

 

I begin to perceive

Jack’s plan.

He tries to explain to me

The meaning of my life

But he stops short.

 

The story is over.

Misery Lane

“Misery Lane” is a strange story I wrote back in my freshman year of high school.

Misery Lane

Gloomy, drawn faces peer out of the gray windows as I pass by, their eyes shrouded by a mysterious fog. The rain is falling hard, but quietly, drenching the cobblestone streets and trickling off of the gutters onto my head. The streets here are narrow and twisted, making it such that one cannot see more than ten feet in front of his nose at any one moment. This particular street is very long and especially curvy. It is called “Misery Lane.”

I used to avoid the place as much as I could. Misery Lane branches off of a much wider road called “Blissful Ignorance Street,” where it is always sunny and bright, and people wave at me and smile whenever I make eye contact. It feels surreal. Walking Blissful Ignorance is like walking through a dream, and after a while one might notice that the happy couple actually has holes where the hearts are supposed to be, the boisterous barber actually has cut wrists, and the cocky kids all have shadows under their eyes. Truth hidden beneath lies. Not so on Misery Lane.

————————————————————————————————————

I continue my walk, slowly and without any real purpose. I step to the side to allow a large black dog to pass. I notice fleetingly that he has a human heart in his mouth. I can hear the pounding begin to fade away as the dog trots on quickly. A clap of thunder makes me look upward for a second at the cloud-filled sea of gray hanging over my head. For a moment, my mind melts into that sea like ice in the warmth of the sun. I close my eyes and I am floating in the sadness. Hands reach out to touch me, icy, bony hands, but I do not recoil, because I know they only want to be loved as I do. We are a family, and for a moment, I feel “alright.” A soft moan brings me back down to earth much too soon.

The girl is tottering towards me very slowly, her hands up against the sides of the buildings. She looks to be quite young, and she is moaning and weeping quietly. When she reaches me, she stops. Her long, red dress is drenched. I cannot see her eyes, which are covered by a mass of long, dark hair that falls over her face.

“Save me.” She whispers, reaching out to me. “Save me.”

I take her hand lightly in mine, concerned, but not perturbed. “What is wrong, dear?” I ask.

“I have come from far away, from a town called “Abuse.” She replied. “I have tried to be good and to do as my parents ask me to. But I am never good enough. They warned me that if I could not see their way I would not see at all.” She parted her hair then with her free hand and turned her head up to me. Pits. Deep, dark pits of gloom, from which blood had flown freely and was now dried on her cheeks, leaving red stains.

Images begin to form themselves within these pits, rippling as if I were looking into a pool. I see the angry face of an abusive father and the stern expression of a disappointed mother. I see the knife pulled out of the top drawer where she cannot reach. The knife draws closer. “We warned you, honey. Don’t struggle.” I hear a scraping noise. A terrible, terrible scraping that resonates within my soul as her eyes are pulled out forcefully. A scream, and crying. “Don’t daddy! Don’t, please!” Crack. The pool turns a deep, blood red.

“What is your name?” I ask, my eyes filling with tears.

“Alma.” She says, lowering her head again. “Please save me. I am frightened. They are following me.”

“Who is following you?”

“Them. Daddy. Mommy. Them, them! They will hurt me.” Alma begins to sob more emphatically. I wrap her in my arms.

“Walk on, Alma. I am escaping too. We are all escaping here on Misery Lane. We have the choice to stop, any of these people will let you in and ease your pain.” I gesture around at the faces that are peering apathetically from the windows. “But you can never come back out once you have gone in. You have a long way to go yet. Walk on.”

Alma let me go and stood still, saying nothing. I hold her one last time and continue my journey, feet slapping against the wet stone. After a couple of seconds I hear a knock. Glancing back, I see that Alma is being taken in by one of Them. A tear slides down my cheek, but I press on. Her choice is not a weak one, but a disappointing one nonetheless.

————————————————————————————————————

The night never begins nor ends on Misery Lane, and the daylight never shows itself. One might think of it as a kind of false hope. The sun is always shining, but the clouds obscure the face. The result is a dull, heavily saturated image, in which everything is more pronounced and more real than anywhere else I have ever been. One can really “feel” on Misery Lane. The wetness of water, the blackness of shadows, the slap of shoes against stone is… these are things that one has never truly experienced until he has walked down this winding street. Lies and Deceit are not welcome here, only the cold, hard Truth. It is a frightening reality, and for this reason, very few people will face it.

————————————————————————————————————

Here comes the Faceless again. I have never understood how I may pass him so many times when we are both going opposite directions, but by now I have stopped wondering. I could not ask him anyway. He crouches and he hobbles along quickly on his toes, making hardly a sound. He does not hear. He does not smell. He does not speak. He does not see. The Faceless has only smooth skin covering his head, and he lives what I think must be a lonely and unusual existence, wandering around without any sense of what life is other than what he can touch. For him, life must be a miserable and un-enjoyable thing. Either this, or he simply moves and touches on instinct, lifeless and essentially dead. My heart is filled with sorrow to see him. I say “hello” as he hobbles by, even though I know he cannot hear me. I do not dare to touch him, for fear of what gross disturbance may then taint his innocent soul.

A window opens a couple feet ahead of me on the right, and a voice cries out in a deathly monotone: “As this life is hollow, as the sun has gone, as the shadows stretch far beyond the dawn! As the death-bell tolls, as the blood begins to flow, let the Darkness grow. Let the Darkness grow!” The window closes as I come close and another opens farther along on the left, a similar voice reaching out from within: “Bleed through the night and bleed through the day, the end has come, now take us away! Cry for the loss and cry for the rain, the end has come for those in pain!” Again, the window closes and a chorus of haunting voices rises from within every house on Misery Lane, a sound like the whisper before death: “We will watch you. We will watch you.”

————————————————————————————————————

The rain has stopped; a rare occurrence on Misery Lane. I find an odd pleasure in the sound of my footfalls, the only escape from an otherwise deafening silence. My mind wanders of its own accord. I find myself pondering the wisdom of taking this long, sad road, the end of which I could not describe for the life of me. It is never understood until one has committed himself to the street that there is no halfway point and there is no turning back. The trek will be just as far in either direction. Everything begins to blur, and the realism that at first had been so profound trickles away like the last drops of water from the windowpanes. My legs move, I inhale and I exhale, my heart beats; automatic, without purpose. I do not comprehend my surroundings or my existence, life becomes as meaningless as the sky and the tears and the chronic misery. I feel alone. For the first time in a long time, I wish someone would smile at me. I wish someone would just pretend.

————————————————————————————————————

I have never, in all my travels, encountered a side street that falls off of Misery Lane. Today, however, I stop to look down one such street, the darkest and most obscure of any in the universe. It is a very short street. I can see the end of it. A single streetlight illuminates a brick wall some 50 yards down. Other than this wall, it is pitch black, the buildings on either side stretching far above the houses of Misery Lane. Silent guardians, blocking out any potential light. I notice a fallen sign on the other end of the street and bend down to read the name: “Suicide Circle.” The rain begins to pour again. I jump when I hear several shrill screams coming from the blackness of Suicide Circle. I strain my eyes to see, in vain. The screaming envelopes me and for a moment I am too scared to move. A detached head rolls into the center of the circle of luminescence cast by the streetlight. I turn my head and walk swiftly away.  I will never know what exactly was happening on that road. I never want to find out.

————————————————————————————————————

A knife is a curious thing. The attachment one feels towards a knife is comparable to the attachment a son has for his mother. Or vice versa, rather. As hurtful as a son can be, a good mother will always cherish him, always attempt to convince him that she knows best, and always care for him. He will cause her pain. He will cause her great pain. Pain. Perhaps the metaphor stretches a little thin in my case. Unless the mother in mind happens to enjoy pain and blood. Pain is a curious thing. A son is a curious thing.

The son’s name is Fred. Fred has pins in his eyes and nails in his forehead. His mouth has been sewn shut, probably a measure taken by frustrated parents to prevent obscenities from slipping out. He is very bony, and most of his skin hangs off of his skeleton like drapes. I find him gnawing at his knife, trying to take out the stitches, but to no avail. When he sees me, he cocks his head a little bit a makes a strange, disturbing guttural sound from somewhere inside his stomach. I find that Fred frightens me, but I cannot take my eyes off of the blood-stained knife in his hands. We stare at each other for a long moment. In that moment I come to an understanding with Fred, without speaking a word: namely that I hate him and that I cannot live while he breathes. I grab the knife from his hands and push him to the ground, raising the knife above my head. I hear Fred moan, a muffled vibrato in his throat. The pins pop out of his eyes, and dark blood oozes out. I thrust the knife into his neck three times before I am satisfied. Fred’s corpse becomes limp. A pool of blood flows down Misery Lane, a river of life for all who come this way to see.

I look at my hands, covered in another man’s life. I am surprised to discover that this does not concern me. The knife is what concerns me, beautiful and loving as it is. It creates death. But it spills life.

A knife is a curious thing.

————————————————————————————————————

The time has come. The truth now presents itself. Misery Lane has no end. The Faceless passes me again. The screams from Suicide Circle rise out of the darkness to plague my thoughts. Nothing ever changes and the sun never comes out. We pursue life in a vain attempt to find a way out, to do what no one has ever done before, to find happiness. The way out is right here, in front of our noses. I knock on the door. It opens and a woman with a smile like grace incarnate steps out to greet me. She takes my arm, and I realize that I have found my home here on Misery Lane.

Gloomy, drawn faces peer out of the gray windows as we pass by, their eyes begging us to understand.

We live for death, and in death, we find true life.

Crossing the Bridge

The old man in the

Coffee shop is

Staring at me, like

I’m a ghost, and

Maybe I am but

Maybe not unless

Ghosts feel chills

Run down to their

Toes.

But I am a ghost-

I’m a ghost of

The past-

And this old man is

Dreaming

Because of me.

Imagine that!

 

He’s dreaming about

How quiet it was,

Back when he was I-

How the world wasn’t

Spinning so fast-

And the people weren’t

So loud and

You could get a word

In,

Edgewise,

Even if you were talking

About God and

Peace and all that

Shit that nobody

Believes in anymore,

‘Cause who has the time?

 

But this old man is

Wondering why now,

At the end of his

Life,

He has so much time.

I think he believes

In God and peace

And all that shit

And he’s staring

‘Cause he wants me

To believe.

But hell,

I’m already late

For dinner

And I’ve got my whole

Life ahead of me.

The Infinity of Space

The Infinity of Space

Most of us spend our

Whole lives

Searching,

Wandering aimlessly through

The infinity of space.

But not I.

Somewhere out amongst

The stars, she is

Waiting

Smiling softly, chuckling when

I catch the wrong orbit.

I find her by chance in

The rings of Jupiter,

Reaching

For my hand, which I grasp

Tightly in my own.

I say softly into her ear

“I will never let go, my

Love

For no star shines

As beautifully as you do.”

But inevitably we are both

Pulled apart by separate

Orbits

By Gravity, by black holes

Consuming the last rays of light.

As her warmth leaves me

I whisper

“Goodbye.”

And she floats away, her tears suspended in

The infinity of space.

Fred

I wrote this story my sophomore year of highschool. It is all based on real events except for the end, which I wanted to be happier than it would have been had it been exactly true.

Fred

A calm stream, trickling softly over jagged rocks… I sighed with pleasure as the cool water flowed down my arm, its touch like that of an angel. The only light was the thin beam that shone in under the room door, illuminating the puddle on the floor. I could see my dark reflection staring up at me from that other world, somewhere between heaven and our own. He was crying tears of joy that created little resonating waves of happiness, visible to the earthly observer.

“This is unreal.” I said blissfully, choking on my joy like it was poison.

“I told you, Troy.” said Fred, smiling his I-told-you-so smile. Fred was my best friend. He was trustworthy. He never taunted me for being myself. He was just the best. Fred had always backed me up through the good times and the bad, ever since I’d met him two years ago.

Before high school I would always convince myself that I was innocent, kind and honest. Troy: the nicest kid around and the perfect home-schooler. That’s what everyone would say about me, smiling when they saw I was listening. I would laugh inwardly every time… partly because I enjoyed the praise and partly because I knew it wasn’t true.

My friends all lived close by. I didn’t exactly get out much in those days… there was nowhere to go, no one interesting to see… nothing to do outside of my little, 3-mile-radius home school world. It got boring sometimes. It got so boring that one year my friends and I decided to spice things up a little bit. ‘Nothing bad.’ We all agreed. ‘Let’s meet up, at midnight, once a week. Just for fun.’ So we did. Once a week, at midnight sharp, we would roam the streets, treading softly and pretending to be ninjas on a mission to assassinate some unknown, middle-eastern tyrant. “Watch out for the spotters!” I would always say, referring to the dim, green circles cast on the ground by streetlights. I was 12 years old at the time.

One rainy, February night, everything went completely awry. As we walked carefully down the street, we noticed a faint humming sound followed by two bright, pupil-less eyes that glared at us mercilessly. They had found us. Someone shouted “scatter!” and off we went, caught up in the moment and the thrill of finally being discovered. I ran without thinking until my legs could no longer carry me farther, down alleys, over fences, through bushes, still careful to avoid the lights.

I stopped, panting, the rain chilling me to the bone in the frigid winter breeze. I looked up to survey my surroundings carefully before making my next move, as per ninja protocol. But the ninja very quickly disintegrated into the little boy named Troy when he realized he had no idea where he was. I turned slowly in a circle, hoping to find something recognizable. After a few moments, I finally admitted it to myself, in a whisper: “I’m lost.” I blinked a few times, with intent, vaguely hoping that the image in front of me would become replaced by somewhere familiar. Everything became blurry. “You’re lost.” The words were written on the stop sign, reflected in the puddles, shouted out to me through the car horns: “You’re lost.” I realized I was crying. My legs felt weak and I awkwardly brought myself down to hug my knees, drenched in rain. I shut my eyes, trying to think and decide what to do next, but my thoughts were constantly interrupted by a deep voice. I couldn’t hear what it was saying at first… “Waffles and fries?” “Awful to lie?”

“Open your eyes… open your eyes.” I did as I was told.

And there was Fred, smiling his I-told-you-so smile, reaching out his hand like an angel sent to guide me home. That is exactly what he did. In essence, it was what he had always done for me whenever I felt down… or lost.

Two years later, there I was in my room with the lights out, Fred grinning down at me. “Troy!” I heard my mother calling from downstairs. “Troy, are you up there?”

“Clean this up.” Fred said quietly. I grabbed the towel hanging on the closet door for this very purpose and mopped up the puddle on the floor, then quickly threw on a hoodie and leaped onto my bed.

“Troy?” my mother said again, being a rather repetitive person. She deftly opened my room door and flipped on the lights. ‘Oops.’ I thought, frustrated. ‘The lights.’ I stared blankly at the ceiling, ignoring mom’s suspicious eyes.

“What’s going on?” She asked. “I thought you were having a friend over?”

“Yah.” I said, keeping my eyes glued to the ceiling. “Me and Fred were just hanging out. What’s the big deal?”

“Fred and I.” She corrected me. “And I wasn’t making a big deal out of anything. I would like to know who Fred is, though. You keep on talking about him and I’ve still never met him.”

I shrugged, glancing around surreptitiously, surprised to see Fred gone. This was the first time I’d actually had him over. I thought today I would introduce him. “I guess he left.” I said quietly.

My mom just shook her head. “Sometimes I worry about you, love.” She said. “Come down for dinner, I made you pasta. And leave the lights on, please.” She left, leaving the door slightly open. I sighed and rolled out of bed, wincing a little at a pain in my arm. I groaned when I saw a stain on the wood floor, thankful that my mother had not seen it.

As I ran to get a wet rag and came back to clean up more thoroughly, I almost fell. The world flipped upside-down for a split second before twirling me back up in a flash of light. I blinked a couple of times, trying to clear my eyes and my head as I scrubbed the floor. That weird pain in my arm began to throb. “Troy.” said a deep, whispery voice from behind me. I glanced back quickly. There was no one there. “Troy.” Louder, in front of me. I fearfully twisted my head back around. Nothing but the wall. “Troy… Troy…” I kept my head down, whimpering, scrubbing harder than ever. Liquid was oozing out of the floor, spreading out over the whole room, drenching me and bubbling up to splatter in my eyes. “Troy…”

“Shut up.” I whispered, closing my eyes. “Please shut up.” My hand slipped and I fell face first into the liquid… straight through the floor, into a freezing, dark sea, where I floated helplessly and unable to move. “Troy…” I wanted to scream at the voice to leave me alone, but there was no air. I felt a hand reach down and grab mine. An icy-cold, bony hand, like the hand of Satan. The last thing I remember is being jerked up violently through the pitch black. “Troy…” Then there was silence.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“These symptoms are indicative of mental trauma and intense adolescent stress.” says Dr. Child in his choir-of-hell monotone, as my mother nods and gives me sympathetic looks. “It could simply be an episode, a way for the mind to cope with the emotional distress of some past event. It could also be something much more serious, I’m afraid…” I stop listening.

‘This is unbelievable.’ I thought to myself, frowning inwardly. ‘The dumb quack thinks I’m crazy! Dr. Child…’ I shook my head, inwardly again. ‘Sounds like “codename: pedophile” to me.’ I chuckled and my mom gave me a sad look. It must have been a bad time.

As the adults droned on, I occupied myself with a drawing of a brontosaurus on the wall, right above Dr. Child’s head. It was a large drawing, colored deep red (almost maroon). The dinosaur had a stupid smile on its face that I recognized from somewhere. Its head was pointed up towards a clock, as if it were trying to read the time… I heard the clock ticking and subconsciously began to bob my head to the beat. The brontosaurus began to count, “1… 4… 17… 2… 6…” I didn’t blame it for being a little off; it was just a dinosaur after all. “7… 9… 11…” I traced the numbers quickly with my finger through the air as I heard them. “3… 21…” Dr. Child and my mom were looking at me. Their mouths were moving but I couldn’t hear anything except for the brontosaurus’ terrible counting skills. “90… 73… 42…” Mom looked a little angry with me. ‘I can’t hear you.’ I thought, a little glumly. But the counting suddenly stopped.

“Did you hear what Dr. Child said, Troy?” I heard mom ask, as she reached out to grasp my hands. There were tears in her eyes. “Are you alright with the tests, honey?”

“They won’t hurt.” said Dr. Child apathetically. “They won’t take long. It’s very important that we make sure before beginning medication.”

“Make sure of what?” I asked quietly.

My mom looked confusedly at Dr. Child. “Weren’t you listening, dear?” she said softly, gripping my hands more tightly. “There might be a… a problem with your brain. Dr. Child is not sure, but he’s afraid that you might have-“

“6… 8… 14… 18….” I felt my mother’s hands slip out of my own as she covered her face with them. That conversation was getting boring anyway

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

A bright, white light. Not bright like close-your-eyes bright… just illuminating. And white men as well, all around me, whispering words that brushed over my ears like a breeze. I cannot see them very well. They blend in with the all-white backdrop. “Troy…” I hear them say. “Troy…” Their faces become clearer… wait, those are masks. All I can see is their eyes, most of them bright blue like the sky. One of them has a pair of green eyes. He motions for the rest of them to leave, then turns to look straight at me. He removes the mask.

“Hi Fred.” I say.

“Hi Troy.” Fred is frowning his I-told-you-so frown. “Why did you let them do it? Why did you let them tear us apart?”

I shut my eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.” I say softly. “I really don’t.”

“Yes, you do, Troy.” Fred says, a touch of anger tainting his calm voice. “You let these men kill me.”

“I didn’t know.” I say, shaking my head slowly. “It all happened so fast.”

My eyes shoot open in surprise when Fred grips my throat and draws a knife, his face twisting into a raging, grotesque form. “You left!” he screams. “You left, Troy!”

“Shut up!” I scream back, pulling his hand off my neck. “Leave me alone, Fred!”

“I’ll be back, Troy! You know I will!”

And then everything turns blood-red.

It has been four years since that day. I haven’t seen Fred since then. Occasionally I can still hear that brontosaurus counting, still see the liquid oozing up from cracks in the ground. Apart from that, life is just a dream of normality. I walk through it with no great degree of caution, knowing that one day I’ll wake up. That’s when Fred will return, smiling his I-told-you-so smile, holding a knife behind his back.

Why I’m making a blog

That guy up there is me. Doing what I love to do most, which is to play music. In fact, playing music is the one thing in this world that really seems worth doing. Everything else is just a big old meaningless blur that sort of manifests itself in an appealing way to some oblivious people. But not to me. And that’s why I’m writing this blog. For myself mainly, but also for anyone who either doesn’t really understand what life is about or wishes they did. I like to think I have a pretty good idea, of course this is from the point of view of an angsty 20 year old guy who ran away to NY a couple years ago and realized just how miserable life can really be.

This blog won’t be totally depressing of course, there are a lot of good things life has to offer as well, and I’ll be including all those things. But for the most part, it will be somewhat depressing because life is, by nature, depressing. This is actually an indisputable fact, and you will see I have proof if you choose to read through the many posts I plan on making here.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you find that you can come to some sort of peace of mind or enlightenment in your own way. As for myself, I’m still searching, and probably will be until the end of my days.

-Troy