Girls Are Weird!

forever alone

Another post about girls, trust me, there will be more. I’m not ranting so much this time, more just observing some bizarre, sometimes annoying, sometimes just strange facts. The first of these is that every good girl it seems is already taken. Obviously, right? But by good girl, I mean not only the kind of girl that I would like to have, but the kind of girl who would like me back. All those girls are either engaged or pregnant or else otherwise occupied with some other guy who may or may not be deserving of her in the first place. And that’s another thing, these girls, it seems, NEVER BREAK UP with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands. Even if said bf/fiance/husband cheats on her or if the relationship is just kind of meh or if they’re fighting or what-have-you. And I’m like whhhyyyy? If you would just break up with that guy then we could be together, dammit! But, obviously, it’s not that simple, and I know that. Just annoying.
Here’s another strange thing, the girls who do like me have odd ways of showing it. Like, flirting with other guys or pretending that they don’t like me. So how do I know they like me? ‘Cause they tell me AFTER they’ve found someone else -.- They don’t even give me a chance! And it doesn’t make sense, it’s like why didn’t you choose me over that other guy in the first place? Well, I know why, it’s ’cause I’m not as good-looking probably, and then they end up breaking up with the other guy and then they’re heart-broken and they find another attractive guy and the cycle goes on, like a crazy, addicted drunk. Basically, they just like me the whole time but don’t do anything about it. Must be my scary, “dark presence” and attitude or something, eh?
Anyway. Then there’s just the fact that I like a couple girls right now, but the depressing thing is I don’t have a shot at either of them. One of them I’m just kinda hoping likes me (well, both of them actually) even though she’s drop-dead gorgeous and the other one is not currently available. I also know when I like people very quickly, and girls have this thing where they have to know you for at least a year before they’ll consider dating you… at least that’s what I’ve heard from the ones I’ve known, that can’t always be true… point is, I haven’t known these girls very long at all. *Sigh*. What to do? You’d think I would be able to woo a fair maiden with my incredible piano skills and my charming-if-not-altogether-sane attitude, but noooo. No, they are all crazy.

Girls are weird!

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Me Part 5: The End

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This is the end of this particular series on my life, i.e. the one based around Fred and Sarah. I like to think of my life as having different stories in it, but all of those stories are part of one bigger story. The conclusion to this story is a sad one.
Sarah and I broke up, necessarily, and I was broken. Very broken. I remember going into a rage that night, tearing at myself, throwing things against the wall, I don’t remember ever losing control as much as I did then in my life. It took me 3 months to get over her enough to start doing stable things again… get up… go to school… come back… go to sleep… friends on the weekends… repeat… repeat… and that’s how my life has felt since she left. Monotonous. Pointless. And that’s just me, I don’t blame it on Sarah. I blame it on the world and on life and on whoever created this system, whether it be God or some other being or just a chance operation.
Why are we here, really? Why do we even ask that question? Surely we wouldn’t wonder if there wasn’t a purpose, would we? Can humans be so flawed that they would question their purpose on earth or the existence of total death or absolute zero or infinity or time if in fact there was none? I believe our purpose here is to suffer. I see no other possible reason for our being here. The one universal amongst human beings is suffering. We don’t all love, much as we’d like to think that. None of us truly has happiness governing our lives. No one, however much they may like to believe it, is truly at peace. We all experience suffering, and suffering and time rule the universe together with iron fists. The purpose of the suffering? I cannot yet say. We will have to wait for death to truly understand.

Me Part 4: Misery

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that we are all very much alone. There’s some comfort to be taken in that. Knowing that you are in control of your fate (hopefully) and that technically your actions and feelings are something you control yourself is comforting in a way. At the same time though, loneliness is completely miserable. Loneliness has bred sociopaths, killers, liars, cheaters, and philosophers since human life began, and in my case, it brought back something I’d hoped never to see again…
It started out with Sarah’s pregnancy and our engagement. I tried so hard to convince myself that this was something I could handle and that I would never leave her. So many pregnancies lead to break-ups, but I loved this girl enough to stick by her side through the whole thing, I was sure of it. Consciously, I was right. Sub-consciously, I was fooling myself from the beginning. Things just began to slip. I would get angry for no reason, she would throw insults at me out of the blue, suddenly that honeymoon phase was over because we had to be responsible parents. I remember every “good time” we had after learning that she was pregnant was always shrouded over by the darkness of a previous argument, or the knowledge that one was soon to come. It was miserable. I still loved her, but I started to hate her at the same time.
It’s so difficult to describe the dynamics of a relationship like this. The best I can do is to compare Sarah’s pregnancy to marriage, it was like a label telling us that the fun and games were over. But I was 18, and she a year younger, and we weren’t prepared for that. It resulted in some of the worst and most depressing fights I’ve ever been in before. I don’t know how we lasted so long. The real clincher though was after the baby was born. Seeing her face when little Rebecca was put in her arms, knowing that our relationship was over. And there was Fred, again. At the worst possible moment he decided to show up and I lost control. I ran out of that room, tears streaming down my face. I ran and I ran until I couldn’t run anymore and then I just kept walking, trying to get as lost as I possibly could and as far from that baby and that girl as I was able. And then I just sat down, my head in my arms, for what seemed like an eternity before Sarah’s parents found me and brought me back to their home.
Life, for me, became dream-like. I felt numb. I didn’t feel like a dad, I felt like a failure. My father had practically disowned me, and my mother (bless her heart) was disappointed beyond what I thought I could bear. I was disappointed in myself. Fred was constantly tormenting me, having the time of his life because he’d known all along it would never last. He was right. He’s always right. Loneliness would always rule my life from that point on, and there was nothing I could do about it.
The day Sarah and I broke up, I think a little piece of me died. I haven’t ever been able to get it back.

Friends

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Feeling left out is for young kids, right? We don’t have to worry about once we reach college age, ’cause we either already have lots of friends from high school or else it’s pretty easy to meet people. Ha… no. Actually, I feel quite left out of things for a number of reasons.
Friends should be easy to get. I know for a fact they’re not easy to keep, but they should be easy to get. If you’re a genuine person with genuine interest in someone, don’t you think that person should WANT to be your friend? It turns out, in college, it’s not the case. See, there are three different types of people at my college, not including me. 1st, there are those who have so many friends already they don’t have time for another one,  2nd, there are those who seem to have lost interest in gaining friends because they’re too “busy with their lives,” and 3rd, there are those who pick up friends like crazy and dump them off just as fast ’cause they get bored of them. And then, of course, there’s me, just trying to find a damn friend who doesn’t fit into any of those categories. Do I just suck at finding friends? Am I just a totally unsocial loser with no ability to make a new friend? Well, no and no! Actually when it comes to making new friends I put in an honest effort to make the person feel interesting and to make them feel like I’m interested in them.
And yet, the only people I can find are people who are described by one of the three categories above (well, to be fair there are other circumstances as well, but they all relate to one of those three categories. The point is, the people I run into aren’t interested in me as a friend). It’s the sad truth of college, or at least of my life anyway. Maybe I’m TOO friendly? Well, I’ve tried toning it down a bit too, but if I do that then they think I’m boring -.- WTF?! WHY YOU ALL SO HARD TO PLEASE??
All this being said, if you’re reading this and you have friends, KEEP THEM. For God’s sake, they are valuable. Doesn’t mean you have to roll out the red carpet for them every day, but give them some respect. I for one have underestimated the value of friends in my day, and now that I find it so difficult to find any seem to be in a bit of a prickly situation where I have few and none of the few I have are girls (not that that’s a huge problem, but it’s nice to mix things up a bit sometimes).
Ugh, it’s frustrating just thinking about it. I mean, why can’t people just be more accepting of others? What is so hard about putting forth the effort to find something you like about someone and then to be their friend? Do you really have so many friends that you can’t have any more? And this is the weirdest thing to me, when someone extends the hand of friendship why on God’s green earth would you just IGNORE that? It’s unbelievable!
Keep your friends close and your enemies just as close, because if you’re keeping your friends as close as you should your enemies couldn’t possibly get any closer. And be someone’s friend tomorrow, or the day after, or whenever you’re given that opportunity. You may find you get more than you bargained for.

The Infinity of Space

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The Infinity of Space

Most of us spend our

Whole lives

Searching,

Wandering aimlessly through

The infinity of space.

But not I.

Somewhere out amongst

The stars, she is

Waiting

Smiling softly, chuckling when

I catch the wrong orbit.

I find her by chance in

The rings of Jupiter,

Reaching

For my hand, which I grasp

Tightly in my own.

I say softly into her ear

“I will never let go, my

Love

For no star shines

As beautifully as you do.”

But inevitably we are both

Pulled apart by separate

Orbits

By Gravity, by black holes

Consuming the last rays of light.

As her warmth leaves me

I whisper

“Goodbye.”

And she floats away, her tears suspended in

The infinity of space.

Me Part 3: Love

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I couldn’t for the life of me find a picture of her… I deleted them all after our relationship ended and she’s blocked me on FB, which is understandable because it must hurt to even think about me. Her name was Sarah. That wasn’t actually her name, but I’ve just now decided that putting her real name on this blog would seem strange somehow. I met her my senior year of high school, in a theater class. We were both actors. I remember watching her try out for the part of the seductive Diana in “Lend me a Tenor” and I was love-struck from the start. Something about the way she moved, the beads running up and down her arms, her upbeat character that I knew was a cover up for something deeper and darker. I remember we didn’t talk much at first, we were both too nervous. But she would smile at me when I came in the room and I would smile back and wave and sit down next to her and we would be content to be in each others company.
At some point, she started following me every day after theater to the music room on campus, where I would play my guitar and she would sit and listen to me play. I loved it, these were some of the best days of my life. She especially liked my piano music… I think she could feel it like I could, maybe not quite the same way, but I like to think it made her bones quiver a little bit. Finally, the day came that I knew I was going to ask her out. And I did.

“Will you go out with me?” I said, with my head pointed at the ground, probably blushing like crazy.

A few seconds past and I became nervous and looked up. She was smiling the biggest smile I ever saw and she said, “Sure.”

After that, we moved so fast… we were telling each other “I love you” after a week. And I meant it. She made Fred go away, she made my nightmares go away, she made me feel like I’d never felt before.  I remember laying in the grass and staring up at the clouds, watching her dance while I played music, kissing her in the moonlight when no one else could see. We had sex for the first time in the office of our arch-nemesis, who’s name I will not put here for fear it will be found, but the point is he did not much like our public displays of affection and told us so quite sternly, though oftentimes in subtle ways, at any given opportunity. It was like something out of a romance-drama, it really was. The drama part came much too soon for me.
She lived in Longmont and was boarding at the high school I went to. Over Christmas Break, I wanted to go see her but my parents would not have it, saying it was inappropriate for someone of my age. So, I packed my bags and I walked 7 miles from my house to the bus station, rode up to Longmont, and walked another 5 miles to her house. And that’s when it happened. We didn’t find out for 5 weeks later though. Sarah had begun throwing up and seeming quite miserable and sick since I’d visited her over Christmas break. We had a suspicion we hoped was not true… and I remember how it happened all too well.
We bought the pregnancy test. She went into the bathroom. Came out very quietly and showed me the test and said, “Look.”

“It’s a plus.” I said.

“But the line there is so faint…” she started to say.

“You’re pregnant.”

And she burst out crying in my arms. I don’t remember how long we stood there, Sarah crying, me staring at nothing in particular and wondering what I was supposed to do now. Fred came back in that instance, smiling, whispering to me about how I could never get away from him forever. A tear ran down my cheek and I said, “Sarah… will you marry me?”

And she stopped crying. And she looked up at me with her big blue eyes and she said “Absofuckinglutely.”

Girls

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Girls. I could rant for days. Instead I’ll just cover the important things though… You can’t live with em, you can’t live without em as they say. I’m at that age where I’m kind of in limbo between wanting and needing a partner of some kind. Someone who is patient, kind and understanding, someone who is not judgmental and appreciates the little things in life. You know, just a generally nice girl. There’s just one problem… I can’t find any. That’s right, try as I might, I have not found one girl who matches the description above. Plenty of guys like that, but that’s not gonna help me much. And I’m not sexist either. I really like girls. I do. But they’re sadistic little creatures!
It’s not just the physically attractive ones either. Oh, those are bad though, to be sure. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been used and abused and stood up and thrown aside and mocked (subtly, of course) and otherwise hurt by some girl who knew I liked her and thought it would be fun to play games.
Some girls don’t play those games, they just pretend to be really nice. So if I say, “hey, we should hang out sometime” and they don’t really want to, they’ll go “YAH SURE THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC!! XOXO” and then they’ll just ignore me forever. It’s like they already have so many friends there’s not room for another one. It’s terrible. And I’m not “coming on” to anyone either, I’m perfectly nice about it. When I do come on to someone, it always backfires anyway and I never do it again. ‘Cause let’s face it, girls just don’t like me. And I think that’s the main cause for my frustration really… but it’s not that they don’t like me cause I’m a negative, mean person. The only reason I can possibly find, after much self-reflection and working my butt off to improve myself as much as I possibly could, is my looks.
It’s so degrading. Having tried so hard for the past 9 months after my last break up to be the best person I can be, even faced with a rotten past and Bipolar Disorder, and to be tossed aside because you don’t look like… I don’t know, <insert attractive guy here>. The point is, it just hurts. And like I said, it’s not just the attractive girls. Even the unattractive ones (physically mind you) treat me like a lesser friend. And I just don’t know what else to do… I’m a good friend, I ask to hang out, I don’t flirt when I know they’re not interested, I find something genuinely attractive about every person I meet, and yet all I get in return is this sort of half-hearted attempt to be nice to the “weird kid.” And I’m not that weird. At least I don’t think so.
It’s just annoying. “Where have all the good guys gone?” doesn’t mean anything anymore. It translates into “Where have all the good attractive guys gone?” and that’s just shallow. I mean really, I could care less about physical appearance and I mean that. No, I won’t date an obese girl, but not because she’s obese, simply because if she can’t take care of her body I can’t expect her to make a good partner. I take care of myself. I take care of my friends. I take extremely good care of my significant others. I’m not gonna be modest about it… I’m a really good partner! I always try my best in any relationship!
I just wish girls had values like they used to. And I wish they cared about the world and about philosophy and life and all that. I’m tired of all the materialism and selfishness, and I’m tired of the girls who act like they don’t buy into all that stuff and then do. Who was the person that said don’t rant in a blog? BAHAHAHA I’LL RANT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO!
Sorry, lost my cool there for a second. *Sigh* girls. They just make me a sad panda. If I ever find someone who actually accepts me for who I am… well, lucky her :]