Be Who You Want To Be

“Be yourself” is outdated. It really is. It’s easy to get caught up in that whole “YOLO I don’t care what other people think cuz I’m MAHSELF homie!!” but at the end of the day, do we really think about what that means?

When you’re going through a tough time especially, like a breakup, it’s easy to make yourself feel better by saying “I’m just not going to care, I’m going to be myself and get over this.” I’ve done it, plenty of times. But “be yourself” is so vague, isn’t it? What does it actually mean? Who is “yourself” and why do you want to be him/her? Or here’s a better question: do you even want to be him/her at all?

Think about it! If you’re perfectly content to spend your life either watching TV, driving down to Pueblo to pick up your niece just ’cause it’s something to do and you’ve got no friends in the Springs, or eating, great. Good for you. The problem arises when you don’t manage to make any new friends, people don’t really want to hang out with you, and then you start blaming everyone else for not accepting you for who you are… which is BORING. That’s right… BORING. Is this really who you want to be? Do you truly not care what others think if you have to preach about it?

We’re human. We like to have other humans to socialize with and to interact with, ’cause let’s face it, as much as we like to hate on other people, people are the only thing in the world that could actually potentially care about what happens to us and that we can relate with. That said, no matter what we might think, we do care about others’ perceptions of us. So I have to ask again, do we really want to be ourselves? Or is what we really want to be the best person we can possibly be? Ah, now that sounds a lot more appealing, doesn’t it? I can guarantee Mr. Couch Potato would be a whole lot happier if he tried out some new things, got over his social anxiety (I have it too, so no excuses), and made an effort to strive for something he wants to do. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best at something. Passion is attractive, be passionate for God’s sake…

My point here is, don’t fall for all that “be yourself” crap. Don’t be yourself. Ever. We should always strive to be nicer, more productive, more caring, happier… better, however we may define that word for ourselves personally.

And if you can be Batman, please, by all means, be Batman.

Spirited Away

Most of the art that I like speaks to me on such a deep level that it actually arouses emotions that I oftentimes forget are there. Music is far and away the art-form that speaks to me most clearly, but I want to talk about films, visual art.

It’s the films that make me cry that I know are the best. Often-times, it’s not that they’re sad necessarily that causes me to cry, but it’s that they bring out these emotions that I know will go away as soon as the film is over, and I don’t want them too. They remind of a part of myself that is hidden in some dark corners within myself, that in everyday life I can’t bring all the way out, into the light. The most recent of these is Spirited Away, the animated film by Hayao Miyazaki.

Chihiro worked so well for me as a main character; she was young, naive (but not stupid), charming, and most importantly, she had character. I could connect with her from the VERY beginning of the movie, when she’s reading her farewell card in the bouquet of flowers, complaining about moving to a new city. I knew right away there was something special about her, a mystery that made her less than a normal, scared 10-year-old girl in a big new world. She was different, aloof in a way. Mature not in her actions, personality or physique, but in the way she understood things and thought about the world. In short, she reminded me of myself.

I was enthralled throughout the entire movie, of course for the beautiful animation and the wild imagination of Miyazaki, but more than anything for the story and the characters. Chihiro grows up, in a way, as the movie goes on and she experiences different things, but she never loses one important quality: acceptance. The most valuable quality of childhood, the one that makes me sad as I watch it disappear in children as they get older. Unconditional kindness and love. She has it for everyone, she’s able to forgive everyone (and does, in the end).

No Face is my favorite example of the importance of this unconditional kindness, and is my second favorite character in the film. To me, he represents most of the people in modern society; lonely, sad, hiding behind a smiling mask, and immediately attracted to the genuine kindness shown by Chihiro. When he is rejected by her the first time, he becomes upset, and craves the attention of everyone else, “eating it all up” if you will 😛 No Face is not truly happy with the many things he indulges himself with, but he pretends to be, and over time becomes more and more moody, angry, and gluttonous. Chihiro, in the end, rejects him for the last time, but not because she doesn’t like him, because she knows what’s wrong and that she isn’t the answer to his happiness. In the end, No Face’s happiness comes in the form of a simple life out in a village, in the company of a witch, who appreciates him and recognizes his talents. He’s not lonely anymore, he’s found his place and feels like he belongs, thanks to Chihiro’s help. Same for Haku, who is reminded of his real name by Chihiro towards the end of the movie.

In fact, by the end of the movie, the one person who doesn’t seem to have “found her place,” truly, is Chihiro. I think this is symbolized by the fact that the hair tie she received in the other world flashes at the end of the movie, reminding us that she was truly there and has left a part of herself there in a way. She exists in two different worlds, a mediator, a person who helps others find their own way but never stops long enough to find her own. And it’s THAT thought that made me cry at the end of the movie.

Some of us are born to fill that role it seems. To help others. And we lose our way more often than anyone else I think, because we forget that our place isn’t one specific location. It causes more harm than good sometimes. I admit that I’ve lost my way more times than I count, I’ve had selfish thoughts, wondering why I help others just so that they can be happy and then forget about me, no longer needing someone unstable in their lives. But that’s the point, isn’t it? To embrace it, to cherish our talents and our understanding of the world, to not withdraw ourselves. To not think about how horrible the world is, but to help it become a better place, because we’re the only ones who can. To remove the masks and stop being “No Faces,” and to show our real smiles and laughter underneath.

I highly recommend Spirited Away to anyone who hasn’t seen it. I apologize if the post was all over the place, I can’t be sure because I’m simply writing all of my thoughts quickly… but anyway. At least tonight I know, and I won’t forget my place… at least tonight I can sleep comfortably, with a little bit of Chihiro in my heart 🙂

I Don’t Exist

I don’t exist. I’m like a ninja by accident. Even in my own home, it’s crazy… I can walk around the whole house 5 times and not one of the 6 other people here will say a word to me, and I won’t say a word to them either. Why? Well I already told you… I’m a ninja, that’s just who I am. It’s not who I want to be though.
Outside of my home it’s quite the same way in the virtual society that tends to be my main source of contact with everyone else (it’s hard to get out when you’re constantly monitored by silent Watchers and don’t have a car). I try to make contact occasionally, to no avail. At that point I’ll fall off of the map completely, and notice, with some disdain, how NOW I seem to be a source of interest. Now that I’m not there anymore. Now that I’m a NINJA.
It’s a vicious cycle though, really. When I do speak I’m rarely really listened to, and when I don’t I am, but I don’t care. ‘Cause it doesn’t mean anything, you know? NOW you want to talk? Why NOW? Because I’m somehow useful to you NOW? The saddest thing, though, is that I’m the only one I can blame for this situation. I don’t exist, I’m a ninja. If I weren’t that way, things wouldn’t be the way they are. It’s not something I can change though, it’s me…
I guess I’ve deluded myself. They always say “fake it till you make it” and for a while, I was faking it, and I’ll be honest, all things considered I was doing a great job! It always comes around to bite me though, and I realize in the end that, yes, I am alone, and that is the way it is. Again, I can’t blame anyone but myself for this, but boy, do I wish it weren’t so… I do wish… I wish it every night. I wish that I could change, be better, be more like someone else, be less like someone else, be able to truly believe in God, be able to understand why I’m here. Nothing changes, no one answers. I speak; my words float away. Someday, I will too, and that day can’t come soon enough.

Falling in Love

Falling in love is a really strange phenomenon. I figured I might as well write about it now since I’ve never written about it when it’s potentially happening, only after it happens or way before I have any semblance of love for the person other than physical attraction.
I’m pretty sure falling in love is different depending on who you are. For some people I imagine it’s pretty boring, like driving a car. You’re sort of driving down the road enjoying the sights, hitting green lights sometimes and it’s all good, you know? And sometimes you hit red lights and you’re like hmm, do I really like this person? And then you go again and eventually you reach your destination in this manner and you either decide to date them or you just shrug and go back home.
For me, it’s like walking towards the edge of a cliff. I hate it, I really do. I’m starting to think I like this person so I start heading towards this cliff and I don’t know what’s down there till I jump and look down. Eventually I’ll ask the question, “do you want to go out?” and I’ll jump and then of course there are either fluffy pillows at the bottom or big sharp spikes. It’s always 50/50 for me, black and white. Either she likes me or she doesn’t, I won’t settle for anything in between! And stopping and turning around away from the cliff is obviously out of the question ’cause I’m too fucking curious.
It’s not all bad though, I mean sometimes it’s just weird. You have to understand that falling in love occurs even before you actually feel those “lovey” emotions for someone. It’s characterized by some events that might seem normal for some but have been completely foreign to me for a long time now. Like feeling strangely happy when the person you may be falling in love with enters the room. Not because she’s unbearably hot, or is carrying pizza with her, or whatever, but just because she’s THERE. ‘Cause you know she’s someone who listens to you and maybe even understands you or at least tries to. Or maybe you find yourself not needing to be with her all the time necessarily, but just wanting to follow her around, and then having to stop yourself ’cause you’re afraid she’ll find you annoying or think you’re creepy or something. It could also be that you wish she would just playfully shove you sometimes. Not because it’s like something sexual or anything, just because you like it when she interacts with you on a physical level, because it’s personal. Finally, and the event I seem to experience most often when I might be falling in love, is thinking “why did I do that?” Why did I say that strange thing to her? Why do I keep acting so stupid around her? And why in God’s name does she think it’s FUNNY?! That’s called “being yourself” and is probably the most obvious indicator that you are, indeed, falling in love.
So, I never clearly stated that I was, in fact, falling in love. To be honest, I’m not sure if I am. I’m experiencing like… all of the symptoms, but too many times I’ve been let down because girls just don’t think the same way that guys do. For all I know, I could just be a fun, but temporary pastime. Oh well. If nothing really good comes of all this, I can at least say I may, in fact, still be capable of loving someone.

Maybe.

Girls Are Weird!

Another post about girls, trust me, there will be more. I’m not ranting so much this time, more just observing some bizarre, sometimes annoying, sometimes just strange facts. The first of these is that every good girl it seems is already taken. Obviously, right? But by good girl, I mean not only the kind of girl that I would like to have, but the kind of girl who would like me back. All those girls are either engaged or pregnant or else otherwise occupied with some other guy who may or may not be deserving of her in the first place. And that’s another thing, these girls, it seems, NEVER BREAK UP with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands. Even if said bf/fiance/husband cheats on her or if the relationship is just kind of meh or if they’re fighting or what-have-you. And I’m like whhhyyyy? If you would just break up with that guy then we could be together, dammit! But, obviously, it’s not that simple, and I know that. Just annoying.
Here’s another strange thing, the girls who do like me have odd ways of showing it. Like, flirting with other guys or pretending that they don’t like me. So how do I know they like me? ‘Cause they tell me AFTER they’ve found someone else -.- They don’t even give me a chance! And it doesn’t make sense, it’s like why didn’t you choose me over that other guy in the first place? Well, I know why, it’s ’cause I’m not as good-looking probably, and then they end up breaking up with the other guy and then they’re heart-broken and they find another attractive guy and the cycle goes on, like a crazy, addicted drunk. Basically, they just like me the whole time but don’t do anything about it. Must be my scary, “dark presence” and attitude or something, eh?
Anyway. Then there’s just the fact that I like a couple girls right now, but the depressing thing is I don’t have a shot at either of them. One of them I’m just kinda hoping likes me (well, both of them actually) even though she’s drop-dead gorgeous and the other one is not currently available. I also know when I like people very quickly, and girls have this thing where they have to know you for at least a year before they’ll consider dating you… at least that’s what I’ve heard from the ones I’ve known, that can’t always be true… point is, I haven’t known these girls very long at all. *Sigh*. What to do? You’d think I would be able to woo a fair maiden with my incredible piano skills and my charming-if-not-altogether-sane attitude, but noooo. No, they are all crazy.

Girls are weird!

Deep Space Monsters

That’s right, Deep Space Monsters. A 2 and a half minute long experimental song to appease the great Mr. Smith and his love of abstract music 😛 As I said in my previous post… SHITE. But, there ya have it, my first experimental song… *sniff* I’m so proud…

I Feel Insane Sometimes

I found this little snippet in one of my journals today, I think it’s from last year. It’s interesting because when I feel this way I usually write more symbolically and less in rant-style. It makes me sad to read.

At night, I cry because I feel and know that nobody loves me. During the day, I want to cry from boredom and lack of friendship. In the early mornings, I cry because I hate everyone and would rather stay in bed. But then I cry more because what if I’m wasting a pointless, godless life just lying in bed doing nothing? Then I wonder what am I supposed to do outside of bed anyway? This morning, I woke up and cried because I realized I truly am becoming a psychopath. I want to isolate myself from everyone. I know without a doubt that if there were a button to push that would kill every selfish person on this stupid planet I would push it and feel no regret. And there would be no one left to populate the planet. I hate everyone. I’m tired of getting pushed around. I’m tired of people pretending to be my friends or making me feel wanted and then turning their backs on me when I’m not fun for one day because I need help. I wish everyone would just disappear and leave me alone. I wish I would stop crying even as I type this, realizing what I’m turning into. I wish I could stop writing “I,” but it’s not like this is about anyone else cause “You” and “They” and “Everyone” are just terms for hurtful, painful, evil sentient beings that are all out to make me miserable just by existing. I hate my life. I hate using the word hate and meaning it wholeheartedly. I hate myself. I don’t see the point in going on. I questioned whether or not there is a God this morning and if there’s not then I really am going to go over the edge. The only thing keeping me sane is not knowing for sure. I’m going to break, and I can feel it coming soon.

Midnight

This is that time of the night when everything comes crashing down on me, a heavy wave of melancholy emotion. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t think about anything except the darkness around me and how comforting it is. It is comforting because it is the only blanket that can truly hide me from the world out there. The big, scary world out there, full of danger, and fake smiles, and slit wrists, and seduction and temptation and other things that hide in the light like ghosts. I don’t think about that though. I let that all fade away. Because now it is my time. The world is my pearl and I hide it away safely inside a shell with my hands, as big as the universe itself and I whisper to it, “Goodnight. Sleep tight.” And everything stops moving for a moment and I am at peace.

Life is strange when you think about it…

It hurts to think about it too hard actually. Trees, motorcycles, newscasters, marshmallows, Facebook, TV, jukeboxes… it’s all a blur, isn’t it? What is life? Why are we here? Yes, yes, unanswerable questions since the beginning of time (or did time have a beginning?) I know, but maybe that’s the answer in itself. Maybe life truly doesn’t HAVE a point. And maybe that’s the beauty of it. Think about it. Human beings don’t need a purpose to live. They don’t NEED money, they don’t NEED to survive. They choose how to live their lives. Other animals need a purpose, and that purpose is survival and reproduction. For them, life has a point. Part of being human is coming to the realization that our lives don’t have a point.
It’s impossible for me to describe how I truly see the world, because even I don’t fully understand what I feel. It’s a sort of emptiness mixed with random hope that there’s something more out there. Because if there’s nothing more out there… well, I don’t know. I feel like running away sometimes. Not anywhere in particular, just running away, trying to find something more. But you know what’s sad? I’ll never find anything. That’s the consequence of life on this earth. What you see is what you get, there’s nothing else there for us. We can have faith in something bigger than ourselves, sure, but can we ever truly confirm its existence? The answer, quite simply, is no. We cannot.
Look at the people around you. Look at yourself. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? Why do you want that job? Why do you want a girlfriend/boyfriend? What purpose does your life serve in relation to everyone else? Will anyone miss you when you’re gone? I’m not trying to depress you, I’m challenging you to seriously consider and accept that life has no point. It’s that understanding that will make you truly human. Don’t be like the other people around you, wandering around aimlessly in search of things that present themselves every day. Rather, lose yourself. Wander for the sake of wandering, but stop searching. Because there’s no point. In the end, we die, we are released from this mortal self that is so limited in its scope and understanding of life. How do we escape from the chair, and see the light behind us rather than the shadows on the wall of Plato’s cave? Death is the only answer I have been able to find thusfar.

Why I’m making a blog

That guy up there is me. Doing what I love to do most, which is to play music. In fact, playing music is the one thing in this world that really seems worth doing. Everything else is just a big old meaningless blur that sort of manifests itself in an appealing way to some oblivious people. But not to me. And that’s why I’m writing this blog. For myself mainly, but also for anyone who either doesn’t really understand what life is about or wishes they did. I like to think I have a pretty good idea, of course this is from the point of view of an angsty 20 year old guy who ran away to NY a couple years ago and realized just how miserable life can really be.

This blog won’t be totally depressing of course, there are a lot of good things life has to offer as well, and I’ll be including all those things. But for the most part, it will be somewhat depressing because life is, by nature, depressing. This is actually an indisputable fact, and you will see I have proof if you choose to read through the many posts I plan on making here.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you find that you can come to some sort of peace of mind or enlightenment in your own way. As for myself, I’m still searching, and probably will be until the end of my days.

-Troy